a Vulcan Mind Meld would've been easier

If I was to dump out my purse on your computer desk tonight, you would find: a mangled (but unsoiled) diaper, my wallet, a bag of wipes, three half-eaten tubes of Lip Smackers, a checkbook, a spiral notebook, tweezers, a billion (or so) Walmart/Target receipts, a Hot Wheels or two, a really worn out Post-It with Marie's phone number on it, one of those pairs of pliers which is also a knife/corkscrew/file/screwdriver, some postcards that I've been meaning to send, and roughly twenty dollars in nickels and pennies. And then YOU'D be like, "Get your crap off of my desk," but we'd still be friends because you'd be really impressed by my receipt collection.

If I were to dump out my BRAIN on your computer desk tonight, this is what you'd find:

Atlas Shrugged. I finished it today! HalleFLIPPINGlujah! Is this what it feels like to have passed a kidney stone?! Interesting book. Some really awesome ideas, some less awesome ideas. In short, it's probably good that we're done having babies because otherwise my next daughter would be named Dagny, and to quote my little sister Marianne, "That's just MEAN."

Alaska. DJ is in the process of brainwashing our children into thinking that they want to live there. I present exhibit A:

In case it's difficult to read, it says, "What we want to do this fall: go to Alaska..." and also mentions building an igloo and catching large fish. Seems fishy to me. [weak rimshot]

Speaking of fishy, DJ and the kids caught this monster in the stagnant body of water behind our apartment complex. I am told it is a largemouth bass.

He threw it back (which I fully supported because I like my mercury levels where they are, thankyouverymuch, and I really don't appreciate finding enormous fish corpses in my freezer. Voice of experience talking).

Green smoothies. I loooooove them. (I'd write a poem about them, but honestly I haven't eaten enough sugar tonight to make poetry-on-the-fly happen.) My kids love them. I love tricking my kids into eating spinach and broccoli. Win, win.

Summer. Where did you go? We are driving back to Utah to resume our regularly scheduled lives in under two weeks. I always mourn the passing of summer. I always want to shoot the "Back to School" propaganda that they hang up in Walmart/Target with a shotgun. Have you noticed that they don't celebrate painful things in the pharmacy department? You never see a huge sign with a cartoon of a moldy, rotten foot and the words, "Athlete's Foot!" Can we stop pretending that "Back to School!" is awesome, already? I mean, I will pretend for my kid's sake (I also make them drink pureed broccoli) but can we desist with the hanging of the signs in the beginning of JULY?! You're bringing us down, man.

Thanks for letting me unload. Now my brain is empty, just like I like it.

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