Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Escort

Please forgive me while I take a meander down memory lane. {{{Here's where those wavy lines go across the screen, like on Saved by the Bell.}}}

The year: 1985

The car: White Ford Escort, with a hatchback

The fashion: Culottes. Pink culottes.

The conundrum: Picture, if you will, the back seat of a Ford Escort. Three seats, right? Three seats. Five kids. Hmm...

The solution: The two smallest children ride in the hatchback portion of the car, naturally. Pop that little hatch open and you have a virtual in-car playpen, folks. I have many (okay, a few) fond memories of flying down the freeways of L.A. in the 'trunk' of the Escort. Carrie and I had our own little world back there. It. Was. AWESOME.

I would give my RIGHT ARM for a copy of this picture of my mom and I on my first day of school. We're getting into the Escort. My mom's wearing her totally rad pink culottes. Only my mom could get away with pink culottes (she always has a really good tan). I love that picture. Those were such simple times. (Simple for me, anyway. I was five.)
Ah, the Escort...
Thanks for humoring me, everyone. I'd also like to thank the folks at Google for providing the lovely Escort image. (Although, I think that I'll probably be the first and last person to search Google for a picture of 1980s-style pink culottes. Don't waste your time, people, it DOESN'T EXIST.)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Don't Pick Your Nose

Holy MACKEREL. Macey is in school. I found myself panicking as I was getting her ready for school, giving her little tips (like I haven't had the last five years to prepare her for this day). I'll bet you're wondering what my tips are, aren't you? You're in luck because here they are. Elise's Back-to-School Tips.
1. Do what your teacher says. She is really smart.
2. Sometimes people say mean things. Don't worry about what mean people say. Mean people are dumb.
3. Please PLEASE don't pick your nose and eat it.
4. If you see someone playing all alone, ask them if you can play with them. If they don't want you to play with them then they are dumb (see Tip #2).
6. For heaven's sake, don't pick your nose and eat it.
Yeah. I think Macey is ready for the world. The real question is, is the world ready for Macey? Bwah ha ha!
P.S. For those of you who were worrying about my neighbors dog-- DJ confessed to my neighbor at church. The dog did not die of elk poisoning. However, in a strange twist the neighbor has found no traces of the saran wrap or freezer paper that the elk was still wrapped in when DJ threw it over the fence. All together now: "DJ! You didn't even take the paper off?!"

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lucky Neighbor Dog -OR- Let's Hope the Neighbors Don't Find Out Who Did It

11:07 PM
DJ and Elise crawl into bed, exhausted after a long day of shenanigans.

11:08 PM
Neighbor Dog: "BARK! bark bark bark!" Translation: "LET ME IN! Let me in, let me in, let me in!"

DJ: "I can't stand our neighbor's dog. Was it Axel or Roscoe that used to bark like this? Our neighbors must have hated us."

Elise: "I don't....remem....zzzzzzzzz......."

Dog: "BARK! bark bark bark!" Translation: (singing) "WE BUILT THIS CITY...we be built this city on rock and roll...."

11:09 PM
This is where things get fuzzy for me (I was asleep, after all).

Dog: "BARK BARK! bark bark bark....bark!" Translation: "PLEASE! Please! I promise I won't go on the floor! Maybe I will..."

DJ: "I am going to shoot that dog."

Elise (roused from sleep as DJ threatens to shoot an animal): "sorry hon....zzzzzz....."

Dog: "...bark bark bark bark!" Translation: "Hey everybody, look at the moon! Is that a cat?! Wow, it's dark out here!"

11:11 PM
Elise awakens to the sound of someone rifling through the chest freezer in our garage. She wonders, "well, either DJ shot the the neighber dog and he's freezing it for later [in unison now, dog-lovers: "Aaaaaah!"] or he got really hungry (those of you who know us know that he'd have to be starving to eat something out of our chest freezer. It's 95% full of dead elk meat)."

Elise drifts off to sleep again but can vaguely recall hearing the front door unlock.

Dog: "BARK! BARK! Bark?! bark bark bark!" Translation: "LET ME IN! LET ME IN! Hey, what's this?! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!"

11:13 PM
DJ crawls back into bed mumbling: "I hope that dog wasn't a vegetarian..."

This startles Elise from a dream involving Oreo cookies and Edward Cullen (so it MUST have been serious...): "What did you do???"

DJ: "I threw a piece of elk over the fence."

Dog: "Nomm, nommm, nommmm....."

6:42 AM
Dog: "HORNK!"

DJ and Elise: "...zzzzzzzzz................."

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Pink heels and...what the?!

I was thinking about how life hasn't been providing much to laugh about these days...and then Macey produced this little masterpiece. Clearly, it's a self portrait. At first glance I thought, "green cube skirt, excellent. Pink heels-- not my first choice with the skirt, but still cute." And then my eyes drifted northward. To the anatomically correct bosom. [This is where DJ observed--he is especially observant of this region, generally speaking--that Self Portrait Macey might be ready for some supportive undergarments.] Macey starts kindergarten this week (AAAK!) and I don't think I like the idea of her seeing herself as well-endowed, or in this case, endowed (if you catch my drift) as she begins her journey out in society. Yikes. But, as is usually the case in life, it could be worse:

My son could be Picasso.

I don't mind admitting it, I don't get Picasso. I don't think Picasso got Picasso. Obviously. But I do think that Macey sees herself pretty clearly-- look at that big smile.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Before and After and Some ENORMOUS Cheeks

Finally! Two nights without the majority of our children--the loud and demanding ones, anyway--and what do we do? We watch cable in our hotel room. Cable. Free cable. Guilt free, "all of my half-finished projects are miles away" cable. It was fabulous.
Thursday morning, after raiding the continental breakfast bar and stuffing out pockets with as many free pastries and condiments as they would hold (note to self-- next time I stay at a hotel bring GIANT overalls), we drove to the hospital. The pastries did not taste as delicious as they normally would because I had that slightly nauseating "my newborn is going under general anesthesia" feeling. Blech. (Primary Children's really ought to provide those little white bags for ralphing like you get on an airplane.)
Here's me with Tess before the surgery, in one of the twenty or so waiting rooms that we had to wait in. You probably can't tell from the picture-- on the outside I'm smiling. On the inside I'm totally tossing my cookies and screaming like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld where she gets trapped in the subway (...maybe too much guilt-free cable...)

After the surgery, Tess's face was twice its original size and she was wearing this creepy medical contraption called a Logan's bow that is supposed to keep her lip from pulling apart. She was also wearing unkind-looking arm restraints. Never in my life have I worked so hard to fight back the tears. Unfortunately, Tess has to wear the Logan's bow and the arm restraints for a month. Fortunately, Tess is totally healthy and came home with us after only one night in the hospital. We are such lucky parents.
Now for the cheeks. This is my new niece, Jaelyn. This picture was taken with my little sister's cell phone and this photo has not been altered in any way. Those babies are the real thing.