Monday, January 21, 2013

Monumental: I do not think it means what you think it means

This was a monumental week for me. I got strep throat for the first time in my life. My tonsils looked like big ol' cantaloupes. Sorry if that ruins cantaloupe for everyone, but that is how humongous they were. This was me, every ten minutes throughout the day on Wednesday: "Holy cow! DJ! Come see how big they are now!" It was very exciting. I mean, if you don't take the crippling body aches and fever into account.

On Thursday it occurred to me that I was supposed to run in the St. George Half Marathon on Saturday. I thought, I best get rid of these ginormous tonsils, raging fever, and body aches if I'm going to run 13 miles two days from now. I went to my doctor's office and requested Magic, because I know that is the request that doctors love most. My doctor's Magic came in the form of a penicillin shot to my keister.

This was also a monumental experience. I have never had a penicillin shot. It was not like getting an I.V. or donating blood. It was more similar to being bored by a bull and then having a nurse laugh at you afterward as you attempt to "play it cool."

Fast forward two days. My friend and I ran the St. George Half Marathon on Saturday morning. Would I be beating a dead horse if I called it a monumental experience? It was fun, but it was also kind of like running 13.1 miles with strep throat. Enter the least flattering post-race photo in the history of unflattering post-race photos:
I have this app on my phone that tells me how many calories I burn when I run. The half-marathon burned about 1530 calories. 
"Holy moly!" I thought. "I can eat whatever I want for the rest of my life!" 
But as it turns out that is exactly the number of calories in my post-race meal of choice - an animal-style cheeseburger, Neapolitan shake, and fries:

Finally, in case you're not my friend on Facebook here is a link to what I wrote this week: It's about running, too! You should click on the link, if for no other reason than to see my editor's super awesome Photoshop work with the picture of my brother-in-law in a ski mask. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Introducing: Homework Elise

This is a selection from Macey's homework this afternoon. Ignore her underlinings and markings and read the paragraph, if you will. 
In summary, it is about a girl named Elise who sits on the beach, applying coconut-scented lotion, eating fruit, and listening to the waves crash.

This cannot be a coincidence.

I envy Homework Elise and her day at the beach. I envy the warm sand and her need for sunscreen. Homework Elise kind of takes summer for granted. Homework Elise is a big jerk.

I am dying for summer over here. DYING. Does that sound extreme? I kind of wrote about my need for sunshine this week. Sorry it took me so long to link to it over here. I have been busy moping and watching Arrested Development. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

My people

Today I think it will be fun to update you on my children. Do you know what makes a kid update complete? An outdated photograph from Seattle. You can tell it is outdated because my children are sporting their summertime Oompa Loompa look - you know, red faces, white hair, weirdest boss in the world. Also the leaves on the trees are a dead giveaway. And the trees. We don't have trees like that in the desert.

Let's do this!

(And let's go oldest to youngest since Macey hates when we go youngest to oldest and Tess can't read.)


Macey is 8 1/2. She takes ballet. My mom is teaching her the piano. She is in the school choir. And she was recently invited to be a part of the third grade newspaper. This was quite the prestigious invitation. Her first contribution was a fictional story about a puppy who snuck into Santa's sack on Christmas Eve and became his helper. And then he saved Christmas. One day you will say you knew her when...

Macey's latest thing is playing Minesweeper and keeping track of where the bombs are on a sheet of paper and trying to win the next round using the last round's intell. Thus far it has been a frustrating endeavor for her. I half-heartedly explained Minesweeper to her, but she seems sure that she is on to something with her method. She also loves horses and playing with her neighbor friend, Megan. She has also recently fallen in love with the world of Harry Potter. She finished reading the first book a few days ago and says that her favorite character is Hagrid. I think that Macey and Hagrid would be good friends.


Olivia is 7 1/2. She takes ballet. My mom is teaching her the piano. She has a knack for it, which makes me really happy. She takes the piano seriously and practices as soon as she wakes up, when she is supposed to be in bed, and generally whenever I want quiet. Unfortunately, Olivia only has one volume - mezzoforte, which is Italian for "Mom will need 800 mg of Ibuprofen and a box of Swiss Rolls if this persists." I have tried to explain pianissimo to her, but it went over like Minesweeper. No comprende.

Olivia is quite a little smartiepants. She reads like a sixth grader and kicks butt at math. (And yet I cannot drive home the concept of pianissimo? Someone is taking me for a ride.) Olivia loves sheep, steak, salad, riding her bike, texting her cousin Paige, and playing with her neighbor friend, Megan.


Chancho is 5 1/2 and we have yet to drop his unfortunate nickname. He is in Kindergarten and endures it. Coloring and sitting in chairs are not his "thing." Luckily, his best buddy Jack is in his class. Unluckily, they have been banned from sitting together. He loves his teacher, he loves having snacks, he loves recess, but the rest of that crap he could live without.

Chancho is really into flying machines of late. It started at the Boeing museum in Seattle. It is an interest that I am trying to nourish and encourage. Santa brought him a Blue Angel jet and a Stealth Bomber to go along with his M-21 Blackbird. He also got a little biplane that you shoot off of a charger gun so that you can watch it fly thirty feet in the air before landing on your neighbor's roof at 8:00 on Christmas morning. Chancho has decided that he is going to be a Blackbird pilot when he grows up. I have explained to him that if he wants to become a Blackbird pilot he is going to have to endure the coloring and the sitting in chairs.


Tess is 3 1/2. Yesterday was her very first day of Sunbeams. For those who are not fluent in Mormonese, that means that she gets to sit in Sunday school instead of staying in the nursery and eating Goldfish crackers while smelling other kids' soiled diapers. Tess is proud of her status as a Sunbeam.

Tess is obsessed with Taylor Swift. I have created a playlist for her on YouTube and she watches the videos for "We Are Never Getting Back Together" and "You Belong With Me" repeatedly. She sings along loudly - even the speaking parts. As in, "This is exhausting, you know. Like, we are never getting back together, like EVER." A month or two ago she asked me, "Mom, is Taylor Swifff never getting back togedder?" I told her yes. For that is an eternal truth.

That is what's new with my little people. What's new with you?

Saturday, January 5, 2013

We're ALIVE!

Have you given up on me? Guess what, we are ALIVE!
Not to understate things, but December turned out to be a busy month.
We tried to enjoy the holidays. Look at those little people. They woke up at 3:00 on Christmas morning, but my husband had mercy on me. He forced them to watch cartoons on the Lovesac until 5:00. Yes, these are the same children that I have to drag out of bed by their ankles at 8:00 on school days.
Anyway, look at what my husband gave me for Christmas - a weapon!
 It's a Kimber .45 with a nifty laser pointer that makes for easy shooting. And really interesting Singing Time activities.

I joke. Using a gun laser at church would be inappropriate. (That is supposed to be read in your best Church Lady voice.)

2012 was a good year for us. I have been weeding through the year in pictures and I feel kind of overwhelmed by our good luck or blessings or whatever you want to call it.

We visited two oceans on several occasions this year. The Pacific one via Newport Beach, California:

 The Atlantic one via Sanibel Island, Florida:
 The Pacific one via Seattle, Washington:
 And the Pacific one again via La Push, Washington...
 ...this is where we discovered that Washington State does not mess around when it comes to driftwood:
And my Macey Bella was baptized this year:
So many great things happened in 2012, it would take a lot of pictures and lot of words to get through it all. 2012 was good.

But do you want to know what scares the bejeezus out of me?


The last time we had a year this awesome was 2007. And then 2008 happened. And then 2009. Those were rough years. Those were humbling, learning years. I'm not prepared to repeat them. I am content with my current level of humility and knowledge, which means that 2013 will probably be a learning experience year. Darnit.

In other news, this is what I wrote at St. George News this week. It's about guns. If you have time on your hands, you should find the rest of what I've written in December, since I am too lazy to post them here. Ha.

Happy 2013!