Friday, July 15, 2011

a Vulcan Mind Meld would've been easier

If I was to dump out my purse on your computer desk tonight, you would find: a mangled (but unsoiled) diaper, my wallet, a bag of wipes, three half-eaten tubes of Lip Smackers, a checkbook, a spiral notebook, tweezers, a billion (or so) Walmart/Target receipts, a Hot Wheels or two, a really worn out Post-It with Marie's phone number on it, one of those pairs of pliers which is also a knife/corkscrew/file/screwdriver, some postcards that I've been meaning to send, and roughly twenty dollars in nickels and pennies. And then YOU'D be like, "Get your crap off of my desk," but we'd still be friends because you'd be really impressed by my receipt collection.

If I were to dump out my BRAIN on your computer desk tonight, this is what you'd find:

Atlas Shrugged. I finished it today! HalleFLIPPINGlujah! Is this what it feels like to have passed a kidney stone?! Interesting book. Some really awesome ideas, some less awesome ideas. In short, it's probably good that we're done having babies because otherwise my next daughter would be named Dagny, and to quote my little sister Marianne, "That's just MEAN."

Alaska. DJ is in the process of brainwashing our children into thinking that they want to live there. I present exhibit A:

In case it's difficult to read, it says, "What we want to do this fall: go to Alaska..." and also mentions building an igloo and catching large fish. Seems fishy to me. [weak rimshot]

Speaking of fishy, DJ and the kids caught this monster in the stagnant body of water behind our apartment complex. I am told it is a largemouth bass.

He threw it back (which I fully supported because I like my mercury levels where they are, thankyouverymuch, and I really don't appreciate finding enormous fish corpses in my freezer. Voice of experience talking).

Green smoothies. I loooooove them. (I'd write a poem about them, but honestly I haven't eaten enough sugar tonight to make poetry-on-the-fly happen.) My kids love them. I love tricking my kids into eating spinach and broccoli. Win, win.

Summer. Where did you go? We are driving back to Utah to resume our regularly scheduled lives in under two weeks. I always mourn the passing of summer. I always want to shoot the "Back to School" propaganda that they hang up in Walmart/Target with a shotgun. Have you noticed that they don't celebrate painful things in the pharmacy department? You never see a huge sign with a cartoon of a moldy, rotten foot and the words, "Athlete's Foot!" Can we stop pretending that "Back to School!" is awesome, already? I mean, I will pretend for my kid's sake (I also make them drink pureed broccoli) but can we desist with the hanging of the signs in the beginning of JULY?! You're bringing us down, man.

Thanks for letting me unload. Now my brain is empty, just like I like it.
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Tawny said...

So besides being uber-jealous of you spectacular summer adventures, I am really glad you are coming home in "under 2 weeks".
I am going to do my best to convert you to evening running, and am going to wear a path in the pavement walking my boys to your house to play!!

Jenn said...

Here Here! Can we make it a threesome!!!! Because I need some female support in the exercise department...P90X stinks!

Oh, I haven't had a good laugh like that in a long time! HAHAHAHAH TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

Really truly? You are coming back in under weeks? OH I can't stand it, that will give you enough time to have a litte summer with us too! Hooray!!!

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

Your purse sounds like mine. I love how walmart receipts have sentimental value (in case there is a banking error...I'm paranoid) and then one day I snap and chuck them all at once.

Alaska???? NOOOOOOOO! Just come to Logan if you're in the market for a frozen wasteland!

That was way funny, BTW...

Naomi Mae said...

I want to build an igloo too! I have ever since I was a kid and my dad got me one of those snow block makers! Or when we used to tunnel into the big snow banks that snow plows make!

Contests on finishing Atkas Shrugged! I like Ayn Rand because because se makes you think, but I don't always like HE r perspective ;-)

Have fun going home soon, I may or may not be there at some pnt this year or the next :-P

Marie Says Yes said...

Elise, that fish scares me.
My husband would also love to live in Alaska. Perhaps we can be pretend fantasy neighbors up there.
YAY, you are coming back. Now even if I only see you at Costco, I'll still be at peace, because you're in the general vacinity (I'm special like that).
School ... hm. You came back fast, school.