Thursday, June 28, 2012

Weekly Wrap-up. Or, My Week Wrapped Up in Tin Foil Like a Good Burrito.

(Because only good burritos are wrapped in foil, and this was a good week.)

It's been another fun-filled week here in the Emerald City. Here are the headlines:

We discovered this scary dude hanging out under an underpass downtown-ish. I nicknamed him Slugbug, but I think most people call him the Fremont Troll or something.

He's super creepy, looming under the bridge and glaring out at the tourists with his one hubcap eye and a Volkswagen in his giant claw. My children adored him, naturally. They have a special place in their hearts for trolls. They are being raised by one. Ha ha ha ha....


I decided to rekindle my romance with barefoot running this week. Barefoot running is not something you jump back into after spending a month in your Sauconys, I'll tell you what. The landing can be quite painful. And the recovery? Let's just say that SIX DAYS later I can finally walk without limping. I'm gonna give it another go tomorrow. I'm hoping for a speedier recovery this time around, because I feel turbo fast without my running shoes dragging me down. (Hey Audrey. If you're reading this, I seriously miss my running buddy/free therapist. Move to Seattle?)

Also this week...THE SUN CAME OUT! So we had some pool time.

And some lake time.

I just adore that life-giving celestial orb we call the sun.

In case you couldn't tell.

Who can guess what inspired this week's toenail polish?

I have a special place in my heart for that sparkling shade of blue. Its special place is right next door to the special place in my heart for Arrested Development and Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys. It's kind of a tacky neighborhood.

That concludes my weekly wrap-up. Tune in next time for the tale of my Annual Infection Which Requires Pricey Antibiotics. Spoiler alert: My EYES didn't swell up this time.
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Friday, June 22, 2012

Why the world needs Fresca bottled with a cork

Pull out your party hats and your fancy pants, ladies. We're celebrating. But before I tell you why we're celebrating I will bore you with a speech.

I have been changing diapers for eight years, one month, and two weeks. If my calculations are correct we have spent roughly $4380.00 on diapers in the past eight years. Using that same math, DJ and I have changed 16,128 diapers, give or take. There have been times when I've had two children in diapers. There have been the blowouts. The soak-throughs. The trots. The "How'd a quarter get in there?!"s. The diaper contents that I STILL have nightmares about. It's been a long, soggy, smelly journey.

And it's OVER.

They need to sell Fresca bottled with a cork so that I'd have a cork to pop right now.

Are you guys interested in my potty training secret? It is this: procrastination. Procrastination is the theme of my life. Sometimes it works in my favor, like with potty training. Sometimes not, like when my power gets shut off because I put off paying the bill for, like, three months. Not because I can't, because I simply DON'T. That happened this week. Good thing I'm not home, eh? Not such a good thing for my sister who is housesitting for me.

The thing about procrastination is it is only effective if you procrastinate the right things. Here is a non-comprehensive list of things that should not be procrastinated: checking the mail, repentance, and having rapidly-growing moles biopsied.

If we had time I would tell the cautionary tale about the day (earlier this week) when I accidentally didn't show up for jury duty because I never check my mail and didn't know that I had been summonsed. Whoops. Sorry Judge Shumate. (No really, I am sorry that I missed jury duty. I love passing judgement on people. It's kinda my thing. What a wasted opportunity - and now I have to write a letter to the judge explaining my absence. That'll be fun.)

One more thing and then I'll let you get back to pinning stuff on Pinterest.

You guys. Do you realize that Wednesday was summer solstice?! The first official day of summer. And it was a GLORIOUS summer solstice in Seattle. The sun came out and it was a scorching 77 degrees. We had a picnic at Lake Washington with my brother Johnny and his wife Elizabeth to celebrate:

I'm serious about the corked Fresca thing. Someone at Coca-Cola needs to get on that.
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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

the ABC gum wall

There will be no poetry today. I promise.

There will be something gross, though.

I felt that I owed Tess a good time since her birthday party consisted of a cupcake on an airplane full of strangers. Say what you will about me - my toes are misshapen, I talk about myself too much, I look just like Michelle Pfeiffer (I can handle the truth) - but you can't say that I don't know how to show a three-year-old a good time.

Especially a three-year-old who really loves ABC gum.

We visited downtown Seattle today in search of something called the gum wall. It's basically a WALL that people put their GUM on. And now it's a thing.

So, the gum wall:

I hate to admit this, but once you get past the clouds and the miserable weather Seattle is a cool city. Danged Seattle.

I should mention that I got gum on my flip flop today.

After the gum wall we wandered through Pike Place Market and bought the most juicy, dripping, sweet, magnificent white peaches I've ever eaten. About thirty people asked me if "all of those little towheads" are mine. My response? "They better be or I've been yelling at someone else's kids for the last eight years!" Ha ha ha ha...[walk away awkwardly]

After the market we tried to find the freeway. This is always the most exciting part of our adventures downtown because Seattle moves its freeway onramps around periodically. My method for finding the freeway? Circle around the city until the freeway comes to me. We always end up seeing culture this way - Chinatown, ten foot tall twin popsicle sculpture, transvestites - culture! Today we happened upon this little guy:

And then we found the freeway, so...success!
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Weirdest blog post ever. I blame the lack of sunlight.

I hope you're sitting down.

That, my friends, is a blue sky.

There were tears of joy this time. And then a whole lot of sitting by the pool soaking up the vitamin D.

You know how when it rains in St. George people go outside and watch it? Dinner is boiling over on the stove and you stand on your porch and watch the rain, even run around in it like a cretin. You don't want to miss it because it only happens like three times a year. Am I the only person who does this?

That's how I felt when the sun came out yesterday. I took a PICTURE of the BLUE SKY.

I even waxed poetic. Now you'll need to use your imagination here - picture me in a black turtleneck and a black beret standing on the stage of a Seattle coffee shop (at which I ordered a pastry, because you know me - love a good pastry). I tap on the microphone and announce the following:

"Retinal Damage, by Elise Haynes."
(I'd pause here to wait for the spontaneous applause to die down.)
"The Sun.
You make it warm enough to swim.
Mangos and melanoma and mung beans would not grow without you.
You are sort of yellow, but I can't be sure because I cannot look directly at you without you causing damage to my retinas..."

(Pause here for dramatic effect and to sneak a bite of my pastry.)

"...but you are worth permanent retinal damage."

Then I would receive a standing ovation and people would shower me with pastries.

If I learned anything from Dixie State College it's that good poetry doesn't always rhyme but it unfailingly includes alliteration. Not many edible plants contain the letter M, making alliteration a challenge in this poetic circumstance, but I pulled through like any good poet.

Man, I love sunshine.

In closing, here is a rainbow I saw at Snoqualmie Falls on our Sunday drive.

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Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Land of Perpetual February (TM)

Welcome to Bummerville, population one. And her name is me.

My mom flew back to Utah yesterday. We miss her.

We crammed as many touristy things into her two weeks in Seattle as possible.

Here they are, uncaptioned and out of chronological order because I'm both lazy and tired:

I miss my mom. She made these first weeks in Seattle much easier to bear. And as a bonus she gave me an excuse to get the touristy crap out of the way so that I am free to sit around my apartment and think about how warm it must be in St. George.

I'm trying not to let Seattle win. I will not let these clouds get the better of me! But you know what? Sunshine is kind of important to me. I never realized how important it is until this morning when I stumbled out of bed, went to the window, twisted open the blinds, and cried. Literally. Tears falling out of my eyes because it was raining.

They were not tears of joy, just to be clear.

They were the tears of someone who dreams of summer all winter long and has moved to the Land of Perpetual February.

One time Macey was in an extra complain-y mood and I told her that for every complaint she had to tell me one thing she was grateful for, so I suppose I owe you this:

1. I'm grateful that I don't live in Egypt.
2. The treadmills at our gym have TVs on them, so I can watch Three's Company or Guthy Renker programming to my heart's content while I run. I guess that's all that's on at 8:30 in the morning.
3. The Mary Tyler Moore show is on Hulu.
4. Trader Joe's pre-packaged crunchy slaw salad. I love you.
5. These guys:

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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bwoop! Bwoop! Bwoop! Vampire sighting!

With three daughters, I need to come to terms with the amount of shampoo and conditioner we use every week or I will go crazy.

Speaking of coming to terms with things, I think I've finally accepted the fact that we aren't spending the summer on the beaches of Florida. I think. After spending most of yesterday face down on my couch crying, this morning I picked myself up, kicked myself in the butt (which is truly a feat - have you tried it? Definitely worth the effort if you find yourself amidst a pity party of such magnitude), and faced this reality:

Seattle is cold and dismal.

That's that.

Moving on.

Over the weekend we drove out to the Olympic Peninsula. But first we had to take a ferry across the Puget Sound:

Do you like my kids' blankies? Did I mention how I packed for Florida weather and therefore we only have flip flops and shorts and it's been like 58 degrees and rainy every day? And none of the stores here sell coats or sweaters despite the weather. Yeeeaaaah...

(Pardon me while I kick my own butt.)

Where was I? Olympic Peninsula. Gotcha.

We pilgrimaged to Forks. (I'm inventing words today.) I'm embarrassed to display this picture, but my mother, who claims to love me, beat me to the punch on Facebook.

The thing about Forks is that no actual vampires live there, just a bunch of loggers and then the lady working at the Chevron. So when you pull up in your rental van and pose next to the "Welcome to Forks!" sign, they know EXACTLY what you're doing. And you will feel judged. And you will feel ridiculous. But somehow you will still laugh riotously the entire time because it's just SO FUN - vampires and werewolves and the whole kitschy, silly, teenie bopper thing.

Naturally we had to visit the beach at La Push. You know what stupid Bella Swan never mentions in those books? How there's like a mile-long hike through the rain forest to get to the beach.

Not that I'm complaining, because this is where we had our first vampire sighting:

"I'm a killer, Bella!"

And the beach at La Push is spectacular.

Once you tell your kids to pose like a vampire they will be in permanent vampire mode so you might as well join in the fun.

I can't forget to mention our banana slug sighting:

Did you know that the banana slug is the mascot of U.C. Santa Cruz? From what I hear, their football opponents arm themselves with nothing but salt shakers.


I'll be here all week, folks.
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