Monday, September 20, 2010

Ultimate Party Weekend

I promised my mom that I'd post pictures of our party weekend. The problem is that I'm not in the mood to write anything. My sister Lisa and niece Paige surprised my kids by coming for a visit this weekend. This is where I would normally write something amazingly funny about how I tricked my kids into cleaning their room by telling them that Hannah Montana was coming for a sleepover. Lisa is the ultimate party animal. She brought a chocolate cake and presents and threw an unbirthday party for the kids.We drove for an hour and a half to go to a restaurant that had an hour and a half wait so we ended up going to Chick-Fil-A. [insert your own Chick-Fil-A joke here] We also saw Ramona and Beezus at the drive in. When I rolled the seats back for the kids to watch the movie I'm pretty sure I found my neighbor's missing cat and roughly three thousand half crayons.

It was the party weekend to end all party weekends. I gained twenty pounds. Every one of my kids had at least one "this is the worst day ever!" meltdown. Lisa spoiled all of us rotten. Lisa is my hero.

My brain is shutting down now.

On the bright side, I think we're leaving Nashville tomorrow. It's a 28 hour drive. The next time you hear from me I will be writing from St. George. Or from Nashville. Who knows. As of right this minute, we're leaving tomorrow. Or maybe not.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Finding Joie de Vivre

See these buildings? They are in our apartment complex. I ripped these pictures off of our apartment complex website to illustrate the story of how I accidentally threw DJ's car keys onto our neighbor's second floor balcony. We live on the third floor. Long story short, I throw like a girl.
But enough about that story, aren't these pictures great? Doesn't my apartment complex look like shangri la? I have two words for you:
False. Advertising.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having a comfortable home to live in. However. I've lived in these apartments for three months now. I've used the gym. I've never once seen this going on in there:On the other hand, I have heard of DJ's coworkers taking chips and b..., I mean, soda into the gym and sitting on the weight lifting bench to watch TV. Talk about luxurious living!

I haven't done any of this, either:

Although I would love to learn how to play the guitar. How is it possible that I've lived in Nashville for three months and I still don't know how to play the guitar?! What am I doing with my life?! I guess I did learn how to make really good corn bread, so that's something...

Get a load of this couple:

I've never seen them around the complex. Hmm. Don't they look like they have a passionate relationship? Here's their dialog:

Javier: "I've been a fool, my orange blossom. Won't you forgive me?"

Natasha: "Stop it, Javier. I will never forgive you for what you've done, no matter how much cologne you wear, or if you shower me with lavish gifts and champagne."

Javier: "Your smile is a warm sunrise, your voice is like a choir of baby angels, your kneecaps are like ripe nectarines...." (he begins sniffing her hair)

Natasha: (swooning) "Oh, Javier! Ours is such a passionate relationship! Just like Julia Roberts and that Brazilian guy who looks like Robert Downey Jr. in Eat Pray Love!"

I'll be honest, I envy Natasha a little. Aside from the fact that she obviously leads a life of luxury and ease, she has a certain joie de vivre that I have been lacking of late. Here's to you, Natasha.

(Of course, I doubt Natasha has ever heard her three-year-old son yell, "Mom, you're missing my poop!" from the bathroom. Poor Natasha.)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A Rare Look

Have I been eating M&M's by the fistful?


Should that keep me from writing?


Am I still going to write something because I don't care what people think, plus I'm riding an M&M high?

Oh, you bet your booty!

(I don't understand the saying "you bet your booty," but it can't imply anything wholesome. Prostitution. Piracy. You name it.) Enough stalling. Elise, if your walls could talk, what would they say?

They'd say, "Get. Your kids. OFF of me."

Were you the last person in the world to read Mockingjay?

Second to the last--DJ still hasn't read it. We were supposed to read it together, but I cheated. Don't tell him, he'll be so mad.

How did you like it?

I liked it just fine. (!!SPOILER ALERT!!) Is it just me, or was there not enough closure, like the author had to cram two books into one? And a randomly placed period at the beginning of a paragraph on page 387, about which every editor at Scholastic is palm-smacking their foreheads? I'm glad Katniss ended up killing President Dial. I'm glad she ended up with Peeta. There just wasn't enough dialog in the ending for my taste. I was thoroughly entertained, though. I read it all day yesterday.

And what were your kids doing while you were reading?

Piggy back rides.

Where does Macey get her brute strength from?

It's a Haynes thing. My sister-in-law Tisha is freakishly strong like that. I arm wrestled her once; I won't make that mistake again.

Why did this go from a self-conducted interview to a two-person interview?


Ugh. You idiot. So, how's potty training DJ going?

I got him some Thomas the Train undies today; he has soiled every last one of them.

Are you sure that's how you're supposed to use a semi-colon?

No, but I don't care; semi-colons make you look smart.

What else did you do today?

I went running. I made whole wheat buttermilk pancakes. I went to Walmart. I sat in the bathroom watching DJ sit on the Elmo potty chair, playing with his dingy. I changed wet underwear (not mine) four minutes later. I went to vacuum my car but decided I wanted to save my quarters for a rainy day, so I just threw my trash away instead. I picked up my girls from school and made a new list of goals on the back of an envelope while I waited. I supervised homework time. Baked a lasagna. Mailed some bills. Packed tomorrow's lunches. Ate like three pounds of M&M's. What did you do?

Pretty much the same thing, thanks for asking. When you see your daily activities compiled into a short paragraph like that, do you wonder why you didn't go to law school?

Sometimes. But then I think of my new friend, Hiroe ("Hee-ROW-eh"). She is awesome. She attended law school at BYU, practiced for a while, and then chose to be a stay-at-home mom. She appears content, even fulfilled, doing it. It's inspiring. She also makes really good miso soup.

You've been checking Craigslist every day for a home for rent in St. George. Would you care to explain?

We're moving home at the end of September, unless DJ gets a job that he applied for here. We're moving again. Story of our lives.

Tell me about it! Well, it's been a pleasure interviewing you today. You are charming, charismatic, and as lovely as always.

(blushing) You didn't have to say that!

Yes, I did. You're emotionally needy.