Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Only Way to Catch a Cat

Yesterday...was bananas. Firstly, I was driving down the road and the steering went out in my Tahoe. Weird, right? I had just finished flipping a U-ie when I heard this "Fzzzz......" and I was all, "That's weird." And then I tried to turn right onto 100 South and the wheel wouldn't turn, though I cranked it with all of my might. So I was all, "Perhaps that 'Fzz' sound was my power steering," because I'm a mechanical genius. So, there I sat, in the middle of 900 East in the rain, unable to pull off to the side of the road. So, the college kids kept pulling right up in my bizness like, "Hey old lady, get out of the road!" and I was like, "Dude! Go. Around." Finally this cop pulls up and he's all, "What are you doing?" and I'm like, "Enjoying the rain. And I think my steering went out." Psht. Duh! So he's nice and calls a tow truck which costs eighty dollars (read: half a weeks groceries or 16 Hot 'n Ready pizzas).

And then we got home and the front door was ajar and the Stray Cat From Hades was in our house. I was all, "Hey, Cat. Get out of here." And he was like, "Reeeeer!" and darted under my bed. So I sent DJ in there with the broom, because he's the hunter of the family. Ten minutes later DJ emerged from our room, having scooted the cat out the back door. He was like, "Ugh! I had to pretend that I liked it." (Because that's the only way to catch a cat.)

I think that Dixie College is starting to rub off on me. Scary, huh?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Ice cream, Lieutenant Dan!

I have given a quarter of my brain to each of my children. (You're welcome, kids!) If I have learned anything from my first two weeks of college, it's that I don't have no brains left. I know that you want to hear all about it, so here it is in handy, bulleted-list form:
  • Showed up to my first day of writing class without a PEN. I think it flew out of my jacket pocket as I raced across campus to class. I spent the entire writing class praying that I wouldn't need to write anything.
  • Showed up for my second writing class proudly clutching my ball point pen. "Everyone will need a #2 pencil," the professor announced as he passed out a stack of scantrons. I had to borrow a pencil from the friendly Polynesian behind me.
  • Showed up for my third writing class without any paper. I did, however, remember to bring both a pencil and a pen (in case I might need to write something on my arm).
  • Showed up to my fourth writing class without my arms. Just kidding. Well, sort of.

As further proof of the fact that I have given my children my brains, I offer the following anecdote. Last night we read the Book of Mormon with our kids before putting them to bed. Macey, my little brainiac, has gotten to the point where she can read with us instead of being read to. It's nice. Last night she read the last five verses of Mosiah chapter 28 all by herself. After she read the words 'iniquities' and 'abominations' without any help from us, DJ gave me this look like "whose kid is this?"

After the kids were in bed and DJ and I had cracked out the cookies and milk and the real party started, DJ told me that he felt like Forrest Gump when he first meets little Forrest and asks, "Is, Jennay?" Or something to that effect. I have to agree. My kids are definitely going to be smarter than I am--at least I hope so. I still maintain that there must have been some mix-up in the pre-Earth life and I accidentally got my sister Meegan's children. I won't know for sure if they're Meegan's kids until they're teenagers. If they get really smart and start watching Star Trek and never rebel and maybe drive a Ford Escort, then I'll know for sure.

I'll keep you posted.

P.S. For those of you who are dying to read my mandatory blog entries for school, my school blog is over there in my blog list. It's called Yada Yada Yada. Read at your own risk. Do not operate heavy equipment while reading.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

On college and basketball. But not college basketball.

I'm officially finished with my first two days of classes. I feel so very collegiate. I've had one epiphany since starting my life as a college student. It happened in English class when the professor told us that we would have to start a blog and post on it at least twice a week.
"Students," the professor said, "You're going to have to start a blog and post on it at least twice a week."
I stood up and with my fists on my hips like Wonder Woman (but without the boots and sex appeal) said, "You mean I could have been getting college credit for blogging?!"

And now, an angry letter in honor of my e-friend Marie who also likes to write letters. Tonight I played my first basketball game after a twelve year absence from the sport. I played my last game under duress in high school P.E. class. Tonight I played after being coerced into it by my well-meaning Relief Society first counselor. Enjoy.

Dear Basketball,
You suck. See ya in another twelve years.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Haynes Family Unplugged

I am about to make your day.

Haynes Children Fashion Tips

  • Always, I repeat, ALWAYS cuff your pants up over your knees because, and I quote Macey, "It keeps them from touching my ankles". We can't have that.
  • Colors, people. For spring 2010, fashion is all about colors. It doesn't matter if they match; the more colors you can cram into your outfit the better.
  • Loose fitting shirts look awesome flying out from under a fitted hoodie.
  • Four words: Purple. Sparkly. Toed. Flats.
  • Two more words: With. Socks.
  • Remember your scarf in case you're cold from having your pants folded up to your armpits.
  • The essential fashion element (if you're a two-year-old boy who digs orange): orange Crocs.

I love that my children are still young enough to not care what anyone thinks, their mother included. They have their own style. They do what works for them.

Speaking of doing what works...

I never write about our real lives, do I? That's because reality tends to be somewhat...what's the word I'm looking for? CRAPPY. Yeah, crappy. Thanks a lot, Recession!

Anyhoo, I've decided to break from tradition today and write a little about what is going on in our real lives. (Meanwhile, I can hear my children in their room unravelling an entire roll of scotch tape.) Let's proceed, shall we?

Picture the Haynes family in the summer of 2007. We just had our first baby boy. We had two little girls and a owned a beautiful home with wood floors and a trampoline and central vacuum and (for some reason I will never understand) no light in the shower in the master bathroom. It was weird but it was ours (just like our kids). DJ owned a thriving mortgage company. We were perched on top of a giant housing bubble like a couple of idiots, smiling and waving to our friends.

And then the housing bubble popped.

And I think we've finally hit the ground.

We lost it all. The company, the houses, the cars--every major item that we acquired as the bubble inflated is now gone. At first, I fought like crazy to hang on to things. You know, kind of like when you have the flu and you realllllly don't want to throw up? But you always feel soooo much better after a good upchuck, right? That's where we are now. All of the unnecessary garbage has been purged from our systems and we still have the most important things--our children, our health, the gospel, and each other. And the LoveSac, of course.

Moving on from the barf analogy. Now we've decided our next post-housing bubble move and you're NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT. The Hayneses are going to back to school. I registered at Dixie. DJ is registered at Bismark State College online. Meanwhile, because even though going to school is fun, we still have four children to provide for--DJ is going to (you're not going to believe this either) finally start his Dream Fishing Lodge in Alaska. If you look over there on my blog list, you can see his website listed amongst the blogs. It's a lot of work and it's a big fat, scary risk, but we'll see. Nothing's phasing me at this point.

That's what's new with us. What's new with you?

Monday, January 4, 2010

It's just me and the moron twins.

Who's ready for a nice, hearty laugh at my expense? (I can picture you all looking around and whispering to eachother, "...uh...I thought that's why we were here." Thanks for the support.)

Around 12:35 this afternoon I gathered all of my offspring, put on their jackets and shoes, woke Tess up from her nap, found Macey's backpack, loaded the youngest two into the stroller, and made the trek to the elementary school to drop Macey off for Kindergarten.

And then I realized that school starts tomorrow.


"Well, children," I said, smacking my forehead, "There's no school today but at least the walk was cold and miserable."

P.S. If you can name the movie from which I plagiarized the title of this post you win a prize!