Friday, October 30, 2009

Do you think...

Do you think if I made fun of a billionaire that I'd wake up tomorrow morning with a box full of money on my front porch?

Do you think if I made fun of George Clooney that I'd wake up tomorrow with him on my front porch?

Do you think if I made fun of a big gooey cinnamon roll with tons of frosting that one would magically appear?

Probably not, right?

However, that seems to be the case with swine flu.

I made fun of it.

I got it.

Alanis Morrisette was right. It IS ironic.

A special thank you to my wonderful neighbor, Tawny, who has made all of my gooey cinnamon roll dreams come true. I found a nice pan of thickly-frosted cinnamon rolls on my porch with a note that read, "Because sometimes when you make fun of it, it happens. Feel better soon!" Don't I have rad neighbors? Anyway, if anyone wants to follow Tawny's lead I'm still hoping for a box of money and George Clooney. Anyone? Anyone?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

H1N1: The Truth Exposed

When infected with swine flu you will experience fever, sore throat, runny nose, fatigue, and perhaps the following:

You can sleep for hours and hours without your wife shoving you off of the bed.

You can smell like you desperately need a shower (sorry, DJ).

You may experience the desire to watch idiotic hunting videos on YouTube.

You can eat a Big Ed and drip melted ice cream all over your shirt.

Your wife may bring you a warm bowl of alphabet soup and a big hospital mug, left over from one of four c-section hospitalizations, of ice cold water.

At least, these are the symptoms that I've observed in DJ who, according to the doctor, is 'suffering' from H1N1. Don't misunderstand me, it doesn't look pleasant. However, from what the news programs have described I was expecting something a little more Black Plague-ish. This Swine Flu has been grossly disappointing. What a lame pandemic.

I have quarantined DJ to our bedroom with the instructions to stay in bed and try not to touch anything. (This is mostly for my benefit. Having him home during the day has totally thrown off my groove.) I'm also trying to keep him a safe distance from Tess. I don't know why. Tess has pretty much been living the H1N1 lifestyle from day one--laying around, fussing, being fed on demand. Maybe I'll try to catch the swine flu.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

29 Gumwads of Wisdom

I was going to call this "29 Pearls of Wisdom", but pearls of wisdom are (as their name implies) small and yet valuable. My bits of wisdom are small and yet...small. So here we have, for your consideration,

29 Gumwads of Wisdom

by Elise Haynes

In honor of my 29th birthday

1. When making brownies, do not use a rubber spatula to transfer the batter to the pan. It hardly leaves any batter in the bowl for you to lick out.

2. Air Supply sounds like two women singing, but it's guys. Trust me.

3. You can relate everything in life to an episode of Seinfeld and it makes life funnier.

4. Here's some wisdom for the holidays: keep an eye on your candied yams when you put them under the broiler to toast the marshmallows. I nearly burned my house down one year.

5. When your husband gets pulled over twice in one day (10/16/09) try not to rub it in, no matter how impossible the task may seem.

6. Don't play Scrabble with Elise because she will walk all over you. Unless you're Elise's mom.

7. Dogs are cute. Don't get one solely for that reason.

8. DJs are cute. Don't get one solely for that reason.

9. Things at Target are cute. Don't buy them solely for that reason.

10. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland, watch for the pirate whose muddy foot is dangling over the boats. He freaked me out when I was a kid.

11. Man, I want to go to Disneyland.

12. Always keep a diaper in your glove box.

13. Flip flops: comfortable, $3, last forever, and give you a really neat foot tan line.

14. Try not to have a two-year-old who drops important things into your sink disposal. Retrieving items from the disposal is terrifying and disgusting, even with a mask and yellow gloves and copious amounts of bleach.

15. When shopping for birthday cake mix, don't forget the candles.

16. Our phone number when I was six-years-old: (714) 947-8931. Can I remember my pin number? No.

17. Tea Leoni's real last name: Pantaleoni. Good move, Tea.

18. The perfect temperature for making quesadillas on my skillet is 375. Your skillet might be different, though. That's the funny thing about skillets.

19. High heels are ridiculous. I don't care what people say.

20. How to tell the difference between Vermont and New Hampshire on a map: Vermont is kind of shaped like a 'V' and you can sort of fit a little 'h' in New Hampshire. Oklahoma is a skillet, Louisianna is an Ugg (careful on that one, Minnesota is kind of an Ugg, too), Wisconsin is a muffin. Call me with any other geography questions.

21. Keep a book in your glove box for when you're in the car waiting for DJ, or whoever you're married to. I read 75% of Jane Eyre that way.

22. Just a review, in your glove box: Jane Eyre and diapers. If you're DJ, keep your registration and proof of insurance in a holster.

23. If you are ever hospitalized at Dixie Regional Medical Center try the Turkey Special sandwich. Yummy.

24. Great Value brand dishwasher detergent is the worst, the worst, Jerry! (see #3)

25. The Little Debbie people should make really huge Swiss Rolls, like the size of a Cafe Rio burrito.

26. If you're on the phone with DJ and it sounds really echo-y, it's because he's in the bathroom. Yeah, I know.

27. Thesauruses are wonderful but it's a tricky word to pluralize.

28. Almost there!

29. From a fortune cookie I got when I was a teenager: "Beauty is in your heart. Let it out, let it beat, give yourself a treat."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What Happens in Ironwood...

Here is a random sampling of what we have been up to the past few weeks:

Line dancing. I LOVE line dancing. This falls under the category of "Things That I Enjoy That Require Little or No Skill, Like Tubing". My neighborhood had a bring-your-own-food-and-come-eat-it-in-the-street-and-then-line-dance block party last night. It was fun. Macey raided the dessert buffet, DJ talked to other guys about work, and I line danced with the other moms. You know how in movies the people get drunk and then they wake up the next morning and they're all, "WHY did I DO THAT last night?!" That was my morning this morning, sans the hangover. Did I seriously line dance in front of my neighbors last night? Holy CRAP, I line danced in front of my neighbors last night. (burying head in hands) Let us hope that Ironwood Subdivision has a "what happens in Ironwood, stays in Ironwood" policy, like Las Vegas.

Writing a novel. It was Sunday afternoon and DJ and I were very, very bored. So I said, "hey DJ, let's write a book. You talk, I'll type." And thus it began. Macey threw in her two cents periodically. Actually, the epilogue is 100% Macey's. If you would like me to e-mail a copy of the manuscript to you, I will for a small fee (a donut). However, please do not circulate my novel around the internet like Midnight Sun. Honor system here, folks. One valuable thing I learned from this exercise is that if you start out writing a love story with your husband he will turn it into a fishing story within two or three paragraphs. Here's an excerpt:

"It was a dark night. Stormy outside. The air hung heavily. The pungent aroma of creosote from the desert blew in from the west. Penelope Peree sat--she hated her name. She loathed it. All of her friends called her Pen. She had spent one too many nights like this, alone. Hopelessly alone.
Hearing rustling noises outside, Pen was scared that there might be a pervert. She wished that her boyfriend was there so that he could scratch her back and tell her everything was going to be okay. Every night was the same ever since Johnny left her to find answers to unanswered questions. Both of Johnny's parents had died and he didn't have answers. He liked answers. Pen decided to turn on her favorite track on repeat to keep her company.
"Here's a little song I wrote," Bobby McFerrin sang, "might wanna sing it note for note..."
Penelope nearly jumps out of her skin as somebody knocks on the door..."

Aren't you just dying for more? I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Maybe you had to be there. I love how she's scared that there might be a pervert. (Admit it, when you're home alone you're scared that there might be a pervert.)

Driving home from Logan. My sister Carrie and I drove to Logan, Utah to visit my new nephew Gabriel last weekend. We left St. George at 3:00 Saturday morning and left Logan to return home at 1:30 Sunday afternoon. Because my car was possessed by Satan it took us almost nine hours to get home from Logan. The whole weekend is a big blur, like one of those dreams where you wake up and only remember random details. Here are the random details of our weekend in Logan:
-Eating. A LOT. Chilean food, pumpkin pie, pot roast, donuts, Happy Cola, these little truffles that might have been doggie treats (I'm still not sure). You name it, we ate it.
-Cruising the streets of Logan at 11:30 at night trying to get Tess to fall asleep, or at least stop screaming her guts out.
-Seeing baby Gabriel, shown here. Isn't he a cutie?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

When the dog bites, when the bee stings...

You may have noticed my propensity for silly list making. Today's post is no exception. I apologize for it, but DANG I love making lists.

Today's list I will call Things That I Am Looking Forward To. They are, as usual, not serious. (If it's serious that you're after, you're going to have to break into my house and read my real journal. I've hidden it somewhere really sneaky. And it's one of those ones with a tiny key, so good luck.)

I'm Looking Forward To:

1. The resurrection. You may be wondering why I would include this item on a non-serious list. My reason is this: Hair Maintenance. I have had it with the entire institution. Shaving, plucking, cutting, dying, trimming, washing, conditioning. I want OUT. It goes without saying that when I am resurrected I will have cute highlights and that my eyebrows will be eternally plucked.
2. Next summer. I am already counting down. Only seven more months to go.
3. Jim and Pam's wedding. The episode was last week but I haven't watched it yet. I'm saving it for when I have a bad day. (I know, I know, they are fictional. Supposedly.)
4. New Moon. Perhaps the dorkiest item on today's list. Nevertheless, I look forward to forcing DJ to accompany me to see it in a theater full of giggling, screaming thirteen-year-olds.
5. Disneyland. I don't know when I'm going to go again but I know that I will. And it's that belief that motivates me. So help me, I will go to Disneyland again before I die. I will partake of the churros and mint juleps and wait in the ridiculously long lines once again!
6. Speaking of things Disney-related: The Princess and the Frog (in case you're not a Disney geek like me, it's the next Disney princess movie, due out in the beginning of December). One of the many benefits of having children is that when kid movies come out you can see them without feeling like a total moron. Not a total moron, anyway.
7. I heard that Brian Regan is coming to Tuacahn again next May and if I have to I will sell an organ to be there. Not an organ that you play hymns on. Kidneys. Lungs. Whatever I have two of. Brain lobes. Eyeballs. I am serious about Brian Regan.

I really want to finish this list but I think my kids are in the back yard eating dirt. Monna's kids, too, because I'm "babysitting". Riiiiiight.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Okay, everyone, let's test your high school Spanish: who knows how to say, "Do you really eat tomatoes on your toast, or are you just messing with me, kid?" in Spanish? I am babysitting my nieces Annie and Jaelyn and their Chilean cousin Nico, who speaks very little English. I am attempting to make breakfast for Nico and I think he's telling me that he eats tomatoes on his toast and "leche con chocolate" for breakfast. Chocolate milk for breakfast? Hmm. I totally get chocolate milk for breakfast. I get it. Tomatoes--a vegetable-like food--aren't those usually reserved for after 4 pm? Personally, I only eat vegetables after 4 pm. I think the Chilean is messing with me. Why, oh why did I take Japanese in high school?!
P.S. School picture day! Thanks for letting me borrow your scanner while I babysit, Carrie!