Here are my expert tips:
1. If, on the way to the game you stop for gas and your husband buys Reese's peanut butter cups for you, resist the urge to save them for later in your purse. Consume said peanut butter cups IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise they will turn into Reeses slop in the suffocating heat, then you'll have to put them in the freezer when you get home and eat them with a fork and knife for lunch the next day.
2. Arrive at the ball park no later than two hours before the start of the game. If you arrive twenty minutes late (or even "on time") it will take precisely three innings to walk from your car to your assigned seats.
3. Once inside the ballpark remember that others may consider your son's clothing choice of bright orange and blue (the same color as the opposing team's getup) to be in poor taste. Simply walk around the stadium asking if anyone has "seen this poor little boy's parents."
4. The seventh inning stretch is for real. Take advantage.
5. When your team hits a home run, clap and cheer as though you were paying attention the whole time. As a rule, I clap when the crowd claps. I'm really fun at parties.
6. You will know when the game has concluded because there will be fireworks and everyone will stand up and leave. Those will be your only cues, since you will have only watched the game for a total of three minutes, preoccupied as you will be by your children's constant requests for cotton candy/Swedish fish/Angry Birds/water/"what that guy is selling" (beer)/popcorn and taking pictures.
7. This rule is critical: remember where you parked your car. Utilize whatever means necessary. Tie balloons to your car, rent a searchlight, or at the very least, drop a pin on your GPS. Otherwise you will spend an hour wandering through the night, carrying children whose idea of sensible walking shoes are purple jelly slip ons, and eventually paying a cab driver $15 to drive you to your car, which is located in Oklahoma.
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