I miss summer.

Anyone in the mood to relive a month-worth of adventures in reverse chronological order? I hope so, because there is no way I am spending 20 minutes rearranging these pictures when I could be sitting on our Lovesac eating leftover pie. 

I would recommend using the restroom and getting a drink of water before we begin. Here it is - the last month of our lives in reverse:

On Saturday my second-oldest daughter, Olivia, was baptized. It was a sweet experience. If you want to know all of my warm and fuzzy thoughts about the experience you'll have to break into my house and steal my journal from my secret hiding place in my underwear drawer.

But before that, Olivia turned eight. She got cowgirl boots and her aunt Sheree made an enormous Oreo birthday cake for her:

My kids started school. Blech. Don't tell them I said that. If they ask, tell them I said, "School is cool!" They might not believe you because I've never been one to use catchphrases from the late 80's/early 90's. Not.

Before that we drove home from Kentucky/Tennessee. Yes, Tennessee. More on that in a minute.

This is a good place to stop if you ever find yourself on I-70 east of Denver and you have a hankering for the best Monte Cristo in the history of Monte Cristos:

This is Kansas:

And this.

*sigh*

This is Lake Norris in Tennessee. We had a half-of-my-family-reunion at a spectacular lake house there. There was a cabin, a dock for swimming and fishing, a movie projector, a fairy swing, card games, sleeves and sleeves of Oreos, a ping pong table, canoeing:

kayaking:

This water trampoline that essentially turned into a daily "game" of king of the mountain. It was a little Hunger Games-ish. I still have bruises. Also, this is the closest thing to a group photo that I have from the whole week:

And the fishing! My husband, bless his heart, tried and tried to catch a largemouth bass. He went to the store for more bait and this happened:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

There was also this teensy cabin on the property that had a loft, a futon, and an Xbox. These girls spent an entire day sneaking/stocking it with red cream soda and Oreo cookies for their sleepover that night. They were in heaven:

There was also an illegal rope swing. Naturally, if one attaches the word "illegal" to something, it piques my husband's interest:

(We're almost there. This would be a suitable time for a bathroom break.)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Welcome back.

Right before we left for Tennessee, DJ and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. You would appreciate what an accomplishment that is if you knew how often we bicker over what to eat for dinner.

We celebrated by having a classic Cincinnati date. We ate LaRosa's pizza, watched the Reds play the Cardinals, and washed it all down with some Graeter's ice cream. It was a perfect night.

Before that we all went to King's Island theme park in Cincinnati. The best part about it was listening to my brother-in-law, Manny, laugh on the rides:

At one point this summer my boy turned six. I plopped a Blackbird on his cake like the lazy mom that I am. The awesome thing about boys is that they don't care.

Some time before that we visited downtown Louisville and rented this little number for the afternoon. It was hilarious. Not to brag or anything, but I did most of the pedaling:

And walked the Big Four bridge from Kentucky to Indiana:

 And lastly, one final cannonball shot:

I already miss summer.

Desperately.

isa-Lay

This is my sister, Lisa. She is the best aunt named Lisa that my kids have ever had. They adore her. She is a party animal. Like, every time we visit her there are manicures, pedicures, Legos and dogs and a bunny and frogs to play with, movies to watch, and a bowl full of Wintergreen Lifesavers to eat. And then there was that one time last week when she made me get my eyebrows threaded, but we won't talk about that blip on her otherwise stellar sister record.

Her house has this completely ridiculous, gorgeous lawn that she mows every week. She let Chancho "help" a little:

Speaking of ridiculous things, and speaking of Lisa, here is a picture that I cannot find it in myself to be ashamed of:

These pictures were taken at the Mythic Creatures exhibit at the Frazier History Museum in downtown Louisville, where I was disappointed to learn that unicorns have never existed. Spoiler alert: Neither has Sasquatch, the Loch Ness monster, mermaids, cyclops, dragons, or Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. They are all mythical creatures - stunning mythical creatures, some of whom have ten thousand pounds per year - but still mythical.

Do not be alarmed, this next picture taken on a green screen. Dragons are not real. Thanks for killing the dream, Frazier Museum.

Remember how I said that Lisa is the party aunt? She recently took my girls to a Cincinnati Reds game that was not rained out. Their seats were close enough to smell the B.O. of each individual Reds player.

 We spend far too much time doing this every summer:

But thanks to all of our pool time my kids can swim like little fishies. Tess dives like a pro and she is actually really fast. I can't out-swim her anymore. I have tried.

Finally, this:

Those mirrors are not doing my hips any favors.

I can't believe that I am going to sign off with that picture, but that's all I've got for you today, folks. Until next time--

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

(Maybe I would. Are you rich?)

(Or do you at least have an annual pass to Disneyland?)

(We'll be in touch.)

We {heart} Louisville

Let's pretend that I haven't ignored this blog for the last month and I'll just post a bunch of pictures and we'll be friends again. Sound good?

We have had a fun-filled couple of weeks here in Louisville. We visited Falls of the Ohio state park. There were fossils everywhere and this happened:

On our way home we found an adorable little ice cream shack on the side of the road. Honestly, I do not care how adorable your little shack is if you have good ice cream, but this place had the best of both worlds:

Some time later - or before, I have no sense of time these days - we visited a petting zoo and Macey's every dream came true.

 

Macey has been begging me, BEGGING ME, to get her a llama. She has thought through all of the details: She will name him Tofu. She will keep him in a shed with straw for a bed. We will bring him with us when we travel every summer. It is a water-tight plan.

 

Aaaanyway, the petting zoo had several alpacas, which everyone knows is just a smaller, cuter version of the llama. Macey was over the moon.

I have had a long-standing love of ducks. I love their waddling, quacking ways. My dreams came true that day, too:

For Independence Day made our way to Cincinnati to watch the Reds play the San Francisco Giants, but professional baseball players are kinda pantywaists about playing in the rain, it turns out. Here are our best rained-out ballgame pouts: 

Here is a little gem of local culture - the Claudia Sanders Dinner House. This restaurant was started by the wife of Colonel Sanders, the very same. We finally ate some genuine Kentucky fried chicken. It was anticlimactic, unfortunately:

We swam some more:

Finally, my favorite thing to do when we find ourselves east of the Mississippi - drive-in movies. We found a drive-in in rural southern Indiana, about 25 minutes from our house. It was perfect. There was a neon sign, classic cars, lightening bugs, those clunky speakers that you hang on the window of your car, and rednecks. This is one of my all-time favorite summer activities with kids.

We saw Monsters University and ate Junior Mints and Cheetos until we hated ourselves.

 The end.

(If you are in the mood to read my words instead of look at pictures, here is the latest of what I've written for St. George News. I miss my St. George and my chocolate caffeine-free diet Coke from Swig. Really the end this time.)

Unbelievably, still no fried chicken.

We did not eat any fried chicken this week.

 

We have been in Kentucky for a little while and we have seen a lot of places. Mostly the pool. But of all the places we have found in Kentucky, this week we found my favorite place. We found this temple on our Sunday drive and I made DJ pull over so that we could take pictures and walk around. 

 

For those readers who do not belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a temple is a sacred place where work is done and covenants are made. I believe that temples are truly houses of the Lord - a little heaven on earth, if you will. 

 

There is an undeniable spirit of peace and love and goodness on those grounds.

 

Right before we left, DJ loaded most of our kids in the car and I told him to wait for a bit so that I could take a picture of the temple from the front, like so:

Tess followed me to take the picture and I held her hand as we walked back to the car. She swung our hands between us as we walked through the grass, just Tess and me. It was one of those rare quiet moments you have as a parent. You know, the moments when you trick your husband into staying in the car with the loud kids.

I felt peace.

After the swimming pools, the zoo, the museums, the freeways, the shopping, all of it - the peaceful feeling of being in a holy place was a striking contrast. That feeling has a way of putting your priorities right into place.

But I probably still spent way too much time at the pool this week.

Lastly, here are a couple of funny gems from this week:

(And here is what I wrote for St. George News about Miss Utah in the Miss USA pageant. I am officially out of things to write about and am taking suggestions. Please e-mail your humorous ideas and I'll see that I can do with them. I am unable to compensate you in any way, but you might be able to talk me into sending you a postcard with my autograph on it.)

Giraffes. The same at every zoo.

I feel guilty about not putting anything new on this blog lately. Not guilty enough to do anything about it, but still. Guilty. It is similar to the guilt that compels me to pay my power bill once every three months.

 

We have been enjoying Louisville and Cincinnati immensely. Prepare yourselves for a massive photo-dump.

 

We have been swimming.

And visiting the Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory, which was far more entertaining than one might think.

 

"Don't they just run a slab of wood through a lathe and that's that?" you are thinking.

 

Yes, that is what they do, but there is also a life-sized figure Babe Ruth, as well as a model of Wrigley Field fashioned entirely out of Legos. And at the end of the tour everyone receives a mini Louisville Slugger, which at first I thought was awesome. Now I think that all of my children are equipped with weapons.

And then we swam some more, this time in Ohio:

And then we hit the Louisville Zoo, which was basically the same as every other zoo in America, except that they have a very unexcitable albino-looking alligator or something. There is no time for the reading of educational plaques when you are herding five children through a hot zoo. They also had this sweet VW van. My dream ride.

And some giraffes, which looked strangely similar to every other giraffe I've ever seen. I am boycotting zoos. Let's mix things up, zookeepers.

We swam some more. Chancho loves these torpedo diving toys.

Today we spent the day in Cincinnati with my sister. We went to a church picnic slash circus and our children got to ride this elephant:

There has also been rollerskating. Did you know that the culture of strapping four wheels under your shoes and skating around to pop music is still alive and well in Cincinnati? My sister Lisa (the uncontested party aunt) and I have been taking turns having cousin sleepovers and this is what she did with our girls last night:

I am sad that I missed it; it would've been fun to reminisce. It has been a while since I've had a concussion.

Busy weeks. So far we love Kentucky, but have eaten a shockingly small amount of fried chicken. This must be remedied. Tune in next time for a fried chicken story and the most bizarre touristy thing we've done yet.

Loo-uh-VULL

We made it to Louisville. It bears mentioning that the locals insist that Louisville is pronounced "Loo-uh-VULL." They are wrong. It is Louie-ville. It's kind of like the Hurricane/Her-uh-kin thing that's going on in Utah, only on a larger scale and with a heavier drawl, unbelievably.

 

Here are a few shots from our drive across this great country of ours:

Every time I drive I-70 across the United States I am struck with two thoughts:

 

1. Driving across Kansas should be considered a form of torture. Like, they should take prisoners from Guantanamo, shove them in a minivan with four kids somewhere near the Colorado/Kansas border, lock the doors and send them east with the cruise control set at 65 mph. They'll hit the Missouri border the following Tuesday. See if that makes them talk. 

 

2. I love the United States. Even Kansas. I mean, we need corn. Iowa, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Texas, Missouri, and Arkansas cannot be expected to meet all of the corn needs of the American people.

 

So far I am quite taken with Kentucky. It is green and lush and humid as the day is long. And Kentucky has met all of my demands: a Trader Joe's within a five minute drive, excellent running trails, sunshine, and a swimming pool. I'm easy.

 

Louisville also provides easy access to one of my favorite sisters and her daughter. We have planned a summer full of swimming and sleepovers. It is going to be a party.

 

In other news, Tess turned four this week. We ate a lot of chocolate cake and did a lot of swimming to celebrate. It was much better than last year's "cupcake on an airplane from Florida to Seattle" party.

 

Here is some illustrations:

 

 

(I just caught my "Here is some illustrations" grammatical tragedy. I am leaving it because it is so unbelievably goofy. Kentucky has gone done an rubbed off on me, I reckon.)

The Kentucky countdown

I feel like a cockroach under the enormous shoe of the universe this week.

 

Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything falls apart? That was this week. Unfortunately, with the exception of the jerkwad bee that stung me on Wednesday, all of my problems are of my own making. We're not going to dwell on the negative, though. It's too much of a bummer.

 

Moving on.

 

Here are some funny pictures of Tess:

That night she fell asleep on the couch at 6:00 so I left her there. Do not judge. I am in survival mode here. Anyway, she wandered into the kitchen around 10:00 with this hair and her blankie, searching for water. I think she is one of the four cutest children to ever live.

 

This was my Mother's Day breakfast in bed:

I awoke to the sounds - and smells - of Macey attempting pancakes, bless her huge heart. Her efforts did not have the outcome that she desired, so strawberry Frosted Mini Spooners it was.

Suddenly I feel the need to apologize to the poor three people who follow me on Instagram for all of these Insta-regurgitated photos. It's just that they upload so quickly!

This may very well be my last blog post from sunny southern Utah. I am so tired of being in a different state from my husband, I can't even put the tiredness into words. In seven days my children and I are making the cross-country trek to join my husband in Louisville. It is a 25 hour drive. Four children. One adult. I am severely outnumbered. Please pray for us.

Oh yeah, and here's what I wrote this week at St. George News. It's about a new law that allows bikes and motorcycles to turn left at red lights. Sorry I've only been linking to these sporadically. I'm lazy, but admit it - you love that about me. That, and my hot pink toenail polish.

Speaking of hot pink toenail polish - if you were my mom you would know why that applies - here is what I wrote last week for Mother's Day. You should read it. But don't, like, ignore your kids to read it. That would be too ironic.

ballet, pierced ears, and the day I was 6'3"

Dearest friends, family, and Creepy Internet Stalkers,

It has been another week for the record books at the Haynes house. Macey and Olivia had their ballet recital. Here they are before the show looking not nearly as nervous as I was:

This was Macey's number. It was called Music Box Dancer or something like that. She is just to the left of the dude with the buzzed head:

And here is Olivia. She did a Chinese ballet dance. We live in a glorious time in the history of the world, do we not? All of these cultures and styles of dance combining into something so overwhelmingly amusing:

Olivia is the second dancer from the right. Her back is facing the camera. I know, I know. This is the best shot I got. No judgment from you, Internet Stalker.

 

Macey turned nine this week. Here she is with the Brave cake which she requested:

 And here she is with her newly pierced ears:

She has been begging me for a year and a half or so to get her ears pierced. I surprised her by checking her out of school and driving her to the mall to have a stranger shoot stainless steel posts into her earlobes with a little gun. For fashion. Like I said, it is a glorious time in the history of the world.

 

My "little" six-foot-four brother, Johnny, and his wife Elizabeth came for a visit this weekend. Here is Johnny teaching my mom how to shoot her gun. My mom has her concealed carry permit and a little .38 special. Don't mess with grandma. She doesn't even need a gun. She's also handy with a wooden spoon. Take my word for it.

Don't worry - these guns aren't loaded. They are practicing their "presentation," which is gun-speak for pulling your gun out and pointing it at things as quickly and efficiently as possible. And when I say "things" I am referring to my Arnold Friberg painting of George Washington at Valley Forge.

 

Last and probably least. I'm not big on these silly mirror self portraits that seem to be all the rage on the Internet of late, but here's a silly one that I texted to my far-off husband:

The caption read: Today I'm 6'3" and there's no one here to complain about it. :(

 

I do not wear my 5" heels often, because of both the impracticality and the fact that when I wear them my husband develops an inferiority complex. I love those heels. But I would much rather have my husband here.

(a whole bunch of stuff) and THE BEACH!

I thought about writing on the blog a week or two ago, but then I thought, "Let's make it an even month between blog posts."

 

Seems legitimate, right? There's that, and the fact that this month has been crazy. Seriously, pages fwapping off of my calendar like in a cartoon.

 

First, we celebrated Easter by making our children pose in front of the piano in their vaguely coordinated clothing:

Not long after was Macey's school choir concert, which was held at Tuacahn. I don't think I say it often enough - I love St. George. I love these red cliffs. And I thought Macey was brave to sing in front of such a crowd:

The next day we drove our young 'uns to California for a little pre-summer vacation. But first, to kick off the fun I got strep throat again. Blurg! We stopped at the Sunset Instacare literally on our way out of town. I got a fast-acting antibiotic and took the first dose somewhere in between St. George and Mesquite.

 

Then we spent a few fun-filled days in California spreading my germs around.



This trip was noteworthy in that it was the first Disneyland trip where all of our children were tall enough to ride most of the rides. This is Tess' first ride down Splash Mountain:

She loved it. Clearly.

This is California Adventure. If you didn't know that from looking at the pictures, I do not know how we're friends:

Here we are saying farewell to the ocean:

Then we came home and I captured this shot of Olivia reminding me of myself, as she often does:

A week or two later, I said hello to ocean again on my now-traditional girls' trip to Doheny State Beach. I've decided that I will make this trip every year. I don't care who comes with me. I don't care if I have to go it alone. But one thing is for sure: I need a few days alone on a beach at least once a year. Also, my feet look bizarre from this angle:

This trip was timed perfectly before my husband's departure to Louisville, Kentucky - the location of this year's summer travel adventure. I know it sounds less adventurous than, say, Florida or Seattle, but I am still chomping at the bit to get on with it.

 

My life is funny. I am either sitting on a beach, not a care in the world, or I am going on two weeks sans husband with a little flickering flame rapidly burning down my fuse. As usual, my children and I will join my husband in Kentucky after school gets out. Until then, I'm doing what I can to keep my fuse intact.

 

You know what helps? YouTube. I listen to a lot of music on YouTube when DJ is gone. (I also sleep with my gun under my pillow, which has proven uncomfortable.) This is my latest favorite. It combines three of my favorite things: acoustic music, the beach, and ferris wheel-riding hipsters. How whimsical.

I love this song, but when I listen to it I can't help but think, "Some people fall, some people fall when they have vertigo."

Heh heh.

Sigh.