Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Transitive Property

Guys. The Universe is conspiring against me again. I don't know what I did when I was a teenager to bring upon myself this magnitude of bad karma, nevertheless...I am now orange. Thanks, Universe, I owe you one. (Or we're even. I guess I don't really get this whole karma thing.)


Let me explain. It was 11:30 last night, the children had finally fallen asleep, I ran on the treadmill, took a bath and was slathering myself in a new bottle of sunless tanning lotion when Olivia trudged in and announced that she had experienced a catastrophe of the sort that requires midnight showering and laundry. (My favorite! Thanks, Universe!) I blatantly disregarded the warnings on the back of the tanning lotion bottle that remind you to wash your hands immediately after lotion application in favor of cleaning up my hysterical daughter.


Twenty minutes later I washed the tanning lotion off of my hands and feet. Apparently I was twenty minutes too late, because...

(Hot dang!) When I awoke this morning to my fancy new fluorescent orange epidermis, I just couldn't get this song out of my head. Fortunately, it's been a lifelong dream of mine to work in a candy factory with a chocolate river and Gene Wilder. Or just have access Fizzy Lifting Drink! I think I may have my "in." So HA, Universe. Sigh.


Speaking of Oompa Loompas...




Tess got six shots at the doctor's office today. At least, I think that guy was a doctor. I don't know. Six shots?! What part of the Hippocratic Oath encompasses plunging a steel needle into the tender, chubby flesh of a two-year-old SIX times?!


To put it mildly, Tess was not pleased. Through the whole shot-giving process Olivia and Chancho wrassled around the exam room and made noises that should really be reserved for farm animals. So we had oxen braying, Tess screaming, and me playing the part of the human straight jacket. I guess I'll be glad when Tess doesn't get rubella or hepatitis or whatever. I guess.


And then we got home and Olivia vomited all over my bed. (Has anyone else noticed how many of my stories conclude with one of my children regurgitating their food onto my furniture or my car or the McDonald's Playplace?) This led me to cancel my night out with my sisters-in-law, which led to me comfort-eating half a pan of brownies, which will lead to me getting enormously fat.


From what I recall about transitive property from when I took algebra fourteen years ago and got a C-, if I get fat it will be because of The Universe.

8 comments:

Cathy's Blog said...

You are the tallest Oompa Loompa I have ever seen!! You have the most adventurous life of anyone I know of which make your stories so entertaining!!! LOVE IT!! I am just boring boring boring! Never had adventures like that when my children were little... :(

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

I don't know how Bodie's mother can say such a thing. Surely there must have been nail-biting excitement sometimes...:-)

I'm sorry you're orange. And that Livvy is insistant on barfing all over everything. Sick kids are no fun!

Not that I want you to leave Utah, but I bet you can't wait to see DJ again...

After August, feel free to apply the distributive property and send all your brownies to me....I don't mind being fat. I'll take that bullet for you. :-)

The Paxton Family said...

You are one of those superbly fabulous people that always have baked goods on hand and yet never seem to get even an ounce of chub on you... Oh wait it's more annoying than fabulous :-P
Sorry about the orange, Little O hugged my legs once when I did the lotion tN thing and he turned all dirty streaky, but since he's a baby and a boy, I think he pulled it off.

Morgan -Ing said...

Oh yuck on the shots. NOT fun. But orange is the new khaki, so you're good.

Visiting from MMB!

B.Dobs said...

I just found your blog through Maggie Hurst and you are hilarious. I just wanted to inform you that a stranger from Georgia has started following your blog and I probably won't comment that much, but hello! I hope this isn't too overwhelming, but I like introducing myself to strangers so we are no longer strangers. It's the Southern in me.

Inspired Kathy said...

Orange is so you!

Inspired Kathy said...

And thanks for reminding me why I don't immunize... 6 shots! Ouch.

Tawny said...

So I was just checking my Blog-roll and i noticed a check-in from Dallas. i hope that means you got there safe and are ready to start your "Vacation".