Let me explain. It was 11:30 last night, the children had finally fallen asleep, I ran on the treadmill, took a bath and was slathering myself in a new bottle of sunless tanning lotion when Olivia trudged in and announced that she had experienced a catastrophe of the sort that requires midnight showering and laundry. (My favorite! Thanks, Universe!) I blatantly disregarded the warnings on the back of the tanning lotion bottle that remind you to wash your hands immediately after lotion application in favor of cleaning up my hysterical daughter.
Twenty minutes later I washed the tanning lotion off of my hands and feet. Apparently I was twenty minutes too late, because...
(Hot dang!) When I awoke this morning to my fancy new fluorescent orange epidermis, I just couldn't get this song out of my head. Fortunately, it's been a lifelong dream of mine to work in a candy factory with a chocolate river and Gene Wilder. Or just have access Fizzy Lifting Drink! I think I may have my "in." So HA, Universe. Sigh.
Speaking of Oompa Loompas...
Tess got six shots at the doctor's office today. At least, I think that guy was a doctor. I don't know. Six shots?! What part of the Hippocratic Oath encompasses plunging a steel needle into the tender, chubby flesh of a two-year-old SIX times?!
To put it mildly, Tess was not pleased. Through the whole shot-giving process Olivia and Chancho wrassled around the exam room and made noises that should really be reserved for farm animals. So we had oxen braying, Tess screaming, and me playing the part of the human straight jacket. I guess I'll be glad when Tess doesn't get rubella or hepatitis or whatever. I guess.
And then we got home and Olivia vomited all over my bed. (Has anyone else noticed how many of my stories conclude with one of my children regurgitating their food onto my furniture or my car or the McDonald's Playplace?) This led me to cancel my night out with my sisters-in-law, which led to me comfort-eating half a pan of brownies, which will lead to me getting enormously fat.
From what I recall about transitive property from when I took algebra fourteen years ago and got a C-, if I get fat it will be because of The Universe.