Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Universe, Hot Dog Vomit, and Curling Matted Chest Hair

The Universe is conspiring against me. Nothing is going my way this week. The Universe is saying, "Elise, you might as well stay on your couch and watch movies on Netflix whilst stuffing your face with chocolate zucchini cake."

I think The Universe is right. (And how did The Universe know that I have a chocolate zucchini cake on top of my fridge? Weird.)

I've had a bad week and today was the crap frosting on the poop cake of my week. This afternoon I found myself scraping congealed food chunks from the bottom of DJ's car seat with a butter knife. This was necessary in order to clean off the hot dog vomit. I immediately sent a blistering text message to my husband: "I do not get paid enough. I demand a raise." He has yet to respond.

He never takes me seriously.

But I'm serious this time.

One or two good things did happen this week, despite my cantankerous attitude:DJ's major award came in the mail. He dragged it into the house and plopped it right down on the carpet saying, "Fra-GEE-lay! That must be Italian!" DJ is now the proud owner of a completely ridiculous motorized longboard, even though he is an adult.

Another good thing that happened was that my sister Lisa gave me a copy of Return to Red Castle, by Dorothy Keddington, which I haven't read since I was like thirteen. I reread it this week; it was a glorious reunion. The main character's love interest, Jesse, is described thusly:

"Long legs were encased in dark leather breeches with fringe hanging down the outside seams, and a hunting knife dangling from his wide belt. A fawn-colored shirt was rolled up over muscular forearms to the elbow, and open at the throat where a rawhide necklace strung with bear claws circled his neck. He wore a full beard and mustache and thick brown hair brushed against his shirt collar..."

Sexy, right? Wait, there's more:

"I was afraid to meet the clear, penetrating blue of his eyes. My gaze slid down to his throat where the bear claw necklace rested against a curling mat of dark brown hair..."

{{{shudder}}}

He also lives in a tipi. Dream about that tonight, ladies. I'm off to buy a bear claw necklace for DJ to wear atop his mat of curling chest hair.

7 comments:

Jenn said...

Mmmmmmm, chest hair...oh, sorry I was day dreaming. If only I could remember the very vivid dream I was having this morning when I was rudely awakened by Samantha, sprawled on the bathroom floor because she had a rediculously high fever and could not move...

Sorry, I'm rambling. Enough about me. That is one crappy week! It sounds like you didn't make it to the state of serenity.

I must say that is one cool motorized long board. Jeff is jealous, but then DJ might be jealous of Jeff's knew birthday present. I'll tell you about it later.

molleelamb said...

You make me laugh Elise -- and that's quite a feat since it's Monday and I'm having a big poop cake with crap frosting on it and a side of diarrhea to dip it in when that isn't enough. Thank you for the laugh. And Return to Red Castle... haven't read that in a long time, but I remember my fondness for chest hair starting sometime around then. And Dave has plenty (none on the back!), so if you find that bear claw necklace, let me know. : )

Cathy's Blog said...

I love that book and I love Jesse!!! Well not really but he is great in the book. Have you ever watched Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman? The guy who plays Sully is who should be Sully. Oh man he is way cute!! Thanks for bringing back sweet memories!

Cathy's Blog said...

oops I meant to say Jesse not Sully sorry Elise! I love men with a hairy chest....very sexy!!

Elise H. said...

Cathy--

Reading Return to Red Castle made me wonder--did you name Melissa after the main character? If so, that would be AWESOME. :)

emily said...

i love you elise! your so hilarious and so delightful:) i'm gonna have to buy kyle a bear claw necklace as well. grrrrr.....

Marie Says Yes said...

my gosh, you HAVE been conspired against! Back off, Universe! Just back off.
While you are out, could you get one of those claw necklace things for me, too?