Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Ignoring Reality, As Usual

It seems like only yesterday I was thinking, "Man, I'm sick and tired of feeling like a lazy lump of lard sitting around this apartment not accomplishing anything!" Wait, that was yesterday. I've had many moments of introspection these past few days and it has caused me to delve into the archives of my blog.

Don't worry, I wore goggles.

I found my 14 Ridiculous Resolutions for the New Year. It was an eye-opener. Let's see how I did:

1. Stop hating cats. Check. Sort of. Okay, okay, I still hate them. Cats suck!

2. Stop loving things that aren't good for me. Errrrmmm.....we're not off to a very good start here....

3. Stop allowing people to fill me with rage. Everyone recall the courthouse waiting-in-the-lobby incident? Or most of Minnesota?

4. Stop hiding in the pantry to eat cookies. Check. I no longer have a pantry that I can fit in. Problem solved.

4. Run faster; fast enough to outrun the rapists--like a seven minute mile. I ran a seven and a half minute mile on a treadmill with zero incline, does that count? And once in Minneapolis I was out jogging and I was pretty sure there was a rapist behind me so I ran faster and started to decide what to do if he got me--knee him in the groin? Palm smack his nose? Scream? I got so carried away deciding what to do that he caught up with me, but it's okay because he turned out to be a turkey. And I was like, "I'll see you in November, sucka'!" and ran off. Elise 1, Rapist Turkey 0.

5. Find something to love about everyone. I was doing swimmingly until I got to Nashville and then...ugh...why does everyone here smoke? And charge you for everything, like ketchup packets? And say "y'all"?

6. Use my time wisely. Don't laugh! I think if you'll scroll through the archives you'll find that I have indeed been using my time.

7. Potty train DJ. This week! I'll do it this week, okay?! Get off my back!

8. Stop making Warm Winter Lemon cake because I eat the whole thing. I've stopped making Warm Winter Lemon cake. The same cannot be said for Ghiradelli brownies.

9. Cultivate rock solid abdominals. My abs called, they said they'd prefer to remain buried under a layer of Ghiradelli fat. Besides, they're kind of shy.

10. Stop buying 80/20 ground beef. I can't remember what fat percentage of beef I've been using this year. Failure!

11. Don't get pregnant. Sweet! It feels so good to accomplish a goal.

12. Water my houseplants. My houseplants are living with my sister-in-law right now. We are no longer on speaking terms (the plants and I).

13. ...stop caring that my closets are disorganized until my kids are raised. This is going well since everything we own is in a storage unit 1500 miles away. The storage unit is disorganized, though, and I don't even give a crap.

14. Figure out what's causing that smell in my laundry room. As for my new laundry room, I know exactly what the smell is: trash. A big, smoldering can of it. I had to hang a coconut-scented Christmas tree in there just so that I could throw away more trash without passing out.

As you can see, we are seven months into 2010 and I've already accomplished seven of my goals. It would be awesome if there were fourteen months in the year so that I could accomplish all of my goals. Since this isn't the reality that we live in, I've decided to ignore reality and make more goals:

1. Quit saying the word "totally" all of the time. As in, "I totally just ate an entire pan of Ghiradelli brownies by myself," or, "This car totally smells like bad breath."

2. Stop judging pregnant women for smoking, particularly that girl who smoked almost the entire time we were at the public water park. I'm not going to judge her anymore because I can't even stop eating brownies once I start.

3. Remember that just because somone has a southern drawl it doesn't mean I'm smarter than they are (even though I totally sound smarter).


Marie Says Yes said...

dearest elise,
you ARE smarter then they are, ridiculous southern drawl or not.

p.s. congrats on outrunning the turkey rapist. you. are. amazing.

Tawny said...

Uh yeah that turkey rapist would have got me....maybe you could teach me the palm/nose thing!!
Smoking Pregnant chicks......urg.
Brownies sound nice...mmm. oh wait, picky baby..nine more months of no chocolate.
Hope to see y'all (ha ha) soon.
See it even makes ME look dumber!

Word verification TWEATOPH say it out loud its funny!!!