Friday, January 21, 2011

BEEP.

I made a happy discovery this week. Who would've thought that the solution to our problems was hidden on the button panel of my microwave this entire time?



Eight loads of laundry to fold? BEEP!

Trying to figure out how to balance your work and home life? BEEP!

On the exit 4 off ramp and other motorists are swerving all around you because your car won't go? BEEP!

Dull, lifeless hair? BEEP!

Liberal? BEEP!


The solution to everything! And it was right there this whole time. So, I tried it. You know, pushing the button. Here's the little mental monologue that I had:


Me, pausing as I walk past the microwave because something has caught my eye: "HELP, it says. Sweet! Don't mind if I do."

BEEP.

"Huh. I don't feel as though I've been helped in any way. Strange."

BEEEEEEP.

"Hmm. I still have cracks on my heels, an outrageous phone bill, and four children running in circles around/on my feet."


I guess my happy discovery wasn't as happy as I thought. I made other discoveries this week. I know you're simply salivating to know what a stay-at-home mom has discovered this week. Well, buckle your seat belts.


1. I don't work. This is something that society has already told me, but was reinforced this week when I called my local State Farm agent to see if they could save me any money on my auto insurance (they couldn't, a sad discovery). After telling the agent my drivers license number, blood type, shampoo type, and everything else she asked, "And do you work?" I hesitated, cringed, and then hesitated again before telling her that I don't work.

And I hated every second of it.

Every time someone asks me that question I want to launch into a twenty minute lecture about how staying at home with children actually is work (hence daycare workers requiring compensation), but I rarely do. Anyway, the important thing is the discovery: I don't work! Ha ha ha ha ha! I immediately began performing a little leprechaun dance all over my driveway. I am the luckiest girl in the world! I kicked my feet up, ordered Macey to bring me some kind of drink with an umbrella in it, and asked Chancho to give me a foot rub. I figure, if I'm not working I'm going to make the most of it.


2. Kids have stinky feet, too. I took Macey and Olivia to a tumbling class today to see if it might be something they'd enjoy, or at least would wear them out. One little room. Eight little kids. Sixteen rotten, smelly little feet.



3. I can't crochet. I tried it this week for the second time in my life. The results were the same as the first time: tangled wad of yarn, crochet hook to the eyeball, curse words. I've decided that crocheting is one of those spiritual gifts that is given to some. I was not given the gift of crochet. I was given the gifts of sarcasm, correct spelling, and accidentally saying things that are really offensive. And I'm running with it.

And those are my discoveries.

BEEP.

10 comments:

The Paxton Family said...

I prefer the question, "do you make any income" to "do you work" ;-)
Also, DID Macy and Olivia like gymnastics? Were they tired out afterward? And where did you take them?
And finally, trying something (ie crocheting) for a few minutes is not really trying. Shame on you. Try harder, I expect a status report next time I see you!

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

I hate that question. HATE IT. Hate how a stupid question makes me feel like a schmuck, while the truth is I work as hard now as I ever did "working."

Elise, if I had a favorite sister, you would totally be in the running. Thanks for the giggle. BEEP!

Shorter family said...

I usually say, "I work, but I don't get paid."
Wow, I can crochet and never thought of it as a spiritual gift, but I will run and check my patriarchal blessing and start adding it to my resume. You know, for when I start working again:)
Thank you always for a laugh!

Hurst Family said...

You should have just hit a button on your phone when the guy asked (it would BEEP on his end) and then say "sorry- that was me censor kicking in. Of course I work- I just don't get paid in money. I don't think the IRS approves when I claim stinky children feet and peanut butter sandwiches as my income- but yes. I work." Then let him figure it out on his end. Also I totally agree with the stinky children feet- my boys even got it as babies and toddlers--- nasty. Not looking forward to teenage years when they KNOW they stink and relish in it.

Roth Family said...

Thanks for the laugh. I love it. Now that I "work" out of the home, I can honestly say again that "working" at home is harder and takes alot more patience than "working" out of the home.

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anne said...

Does this because I am no longer a stay at home mom and having joined the rat race of the working world, that I get a discount on my car insurance?
Beep.

Marie Says Yes said...

if ever i get to fill out a new form (which i love, of course)and it says "employer" i always put "my children." because it makes me feel powerful.
of course, once i went in for a meeting with a nutritionist who asked "do you know what causes gestational diabetes?" to which i replied

"the sweeping palm of god."

i think the two situations are similar.

Mindi said...

hey! it IS a small, small world!

thanks for leaving word on my blog--i'm not as social as i should be, so thanks for reminding me why i still blog--

you are adorable, btw.

Marie Says Yes said...

elise -- are you going to read this? I was so happy to get your message! you called me, you really called me! And I'm going to call you back and see if you can play! But first I have to de-germ my children so the National Center for Disease Control doesn't come after us for infecting others. Hopefully this week! Yay!