Thursday, December 31, 2009

14 Ridiculous Resolutions

Here they are, World Wide Web--some of my resolutions for 2010! The rest of them are too serious for this silly blog and I have them hidden away in my heart, safe from your mockery. These are some things that I've been meaning to do forever. This is my year, I can feel it!

1. Stop hating cats.
2. Stop loving things that aren't good for me (i.e. Oreos, crappy books, crappy movies, the word 'crappy', etc.).
2. Stop allowing people to fill me with rage, including people who barf their opinion all over me and people at Walmart.
3. Stop hiding in the pantry to eat cookies so that I don't have to share. I wish that was a joke.
4. Run faster; fast enough to outrun the rapists. How fast do rapists run? Do you think they can do a seven minute mile? That's my goal--lofty, I know. I really don't want rapists to get me.
4-a. Stop wearing my nasty rapist-repellent sweatpants when I go running.
5. Find something to love about everyone, including the people at Walmart but excluding the rapists.
6. Use my time wisely.
7. Potty train DJ.
8. Stop making Warm Winter Lemon cake because I eat the whole thing and then DJ asks me where it went and it's really embarrassing.
9. Cultivate rock solid abdominals.
10. Stop buying 80/20 ground beef.
11. Don't get pregnant.
12. Water my houseplants that survived the drought of 2009.
13. I was going to write "organize my closets" but instead I'll go with "stop caring that my closets are disorganized until my kids are raised".
14. Figure out what's causing that smell in my laundry room.


Marie Says Yes said...

oh, buddy. i am just so happy i have you.
"outrun the rapists"?!? oh, i am still laughing. laughing hard. i want you to outrun the rapists, too. down with pervs everywhere!
i love your resolutions. may you accomplish all of them! does this mean i have to make a few of my own? i just don't know if i have it in me... i think i'll leave that to you!

Kathy H. said...

Well if you do get pregnant you will get rock solid abs. By the time 9 months rolls around you'll have a belly that will look and feel like a boulder.

Meegan Alfred said...

We are so sisters. I hate when my pirahnas figure out I'm eating cookies and have to SHARE. :-) But mercifully Jon isn't much for sweets so I rarely have to explain the disappearance of baked goods. If he does, I say they were Taken (like the movie...poor baked goods). Which happened to our new years eve brownies. But will NOT happen least for a few weeks (when I break my resolution). Thanks for the giggle...

Roth Family said...

Go Elise! Can I just tell you how much I love reading your blog?! I laugh every time. Running a 7 minute mile would be a dream come true. I have to say that I am slow and steady. I'm trying to work on that. You can come run the Utah Valley 1/2 marathon with me in June?! Anyone?? Happy New Year1

Anne said...

Elisey, you are the reason I have a hard time blogging...I want to be clever like you! ROTFL!! If I were beautiful like you I would worry about the jogger rapists too. Please be careful! I thought I was the only closet eater but apparently I'm in good company - I don't have pirhanas - I have sharks here! Thanks for the laughs - please update your blog weekly -keeps me out of the depression mode!

Jenn said...

I just finished writing my resolutions! Reading yours makes me happier than thinking about trying to keep mine!

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

You made Jon laugh out loud. NIIICE! And then look at me funny when I didn't see what was wrong about hiding in the closet to eat cookies...