I was going to call this "29 Pearls of Wisdom", but pearls of wisdom are (as their name implies) small and yet valuable. My bits of wisdom are small and yet...small. So here we have, for your consideration,
29 Gumwads of Wisdom
by Elise Haynes
In honor of my 29th birthday
1. When making brownies, do not use a rubber spatula to transfer the batter to the pan. It hardly leaves any batter in the bowl for you to lick out.
2. Air Supply sounds like two women singing, but it's guys. Trust me.
3. You can relate everything in life to an episode of Seinfeld and it makes life funnier.
4. Here's some wisdom for the holidays: keep an eye on your candied yams when you put them under the broiler to toast the marshmallows. I nearly burned my house down one year.
5. When your husband gets pulled over twice in one day (10/16/09) try not to rub it in, no matter how impossible the task may seem.
6. Don't play Scrabble with Elise because she will walk all over you. Unless you're Elise's mom.
7. Dogs are cute. Don't get one solely for that reason.
8. DJs are cute. Don't get one solely for that reason.
9. Things at Target are cute. Don't buy them solely for that reason.
10. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland, watch for the pirate whose muddy foot is dangling over the boats. He freaked me out when I was a kid.
11. Man, I want to go to Disneyland.
12. Always keep a diaper in your glove box.
13. Flip flops: comfortable, $3, last forever, and give you a really neat foot tan line.
14. Try not to have a two-year-old who drops important things into your sink disposal. Retrieving items from the disposal is terrifying and disgusting, even with a mask and yellow gloves and copious amounts of bleach.
15. When shopping for birthday cake mix, don't forget the candles.
16. Our phone number when I was six-years-old: (714) 947-8931. Can I remember my pin number? No.
17. Tea Leoni's real last name: Pantaleoni. Good move, Tea.
18. The perfect temperature for making quesadillas on my skillet is 375. Your skillet might be different, though. That's the funny thing about skillets.
19. High heels are ridiculous. I don't care what people say.
20. How to tell the difference between Vermont and New Hampshire on a map: Vermont is kind of shaped like a 'V' and you can sort of fit a little 'h' in New Hampshire. Oklahoma is a skillet, Louisianna is an Ugg (careful on that one, Minnesota is kind of an Ugg, too), Wisconsin is a muffin. Call me with any other geography questions.
21. Keep a book in your glove box for when you're in the car waiting for DJ, or whoever you're married to. I read 75% of Jane Eyre that way.
22. Just a review, in your glove box: Jane Eyre and diapers. If you're DJ, keep your registration and proof of insurance in a holster.
23. If you are ever hospitalized at Dixie Regional Medical Center try the Turkey Special sandwich. Yummy.
24. Great Value brand dishwasher detergent is the worst, the worst, Jerry! (see #3)
25. The Little Debbie people should make really huge Swiss Rolls, like the size of a Cafe Rio burrito.
26. If you're on the phone with DJ and it sounds really echo-y, it's because he's in the bathroom. Yeah, I know.
27. Thesauruses are wonderful but it's a tricky word to pluralize.
28. Almost there!
29. From a fortune cookie I got when I was a teenager: "Beauty is in your heart. Let it out, let it beat, give yourself a treat."