Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Interview with an Elise

We caught up with Elise in her suburban St. George home on Wednesday night over a plate of nearly-burned wheat bread while her kids messed up her house. She was as classy, witty, and smelled as lovely as ever. In fact, there are many adjectives that end in "y" that would adequately describe her. Here's what she had to say:

Elise, your fans are dying to know how you spent your Christmas holiday. Was it as wondrous and sugar plummy as we have imagined?


Would you care to elaborate?

I suppose I cannot disappoint my public. First, Macey got us all in the Christmas spirit by challenging everyone to a grueling chess tournament every afternoon. It was rather competitive. I overheard Chancho tell Macey after she swiped his rook, "Ha ha, Macey...I have another wook!"

I see that you're having a difficult time bending your neck or turning your head from side to side. Have you been injured in some way?

Yes. I have debilitating stiffness in my spine due to sleeping with the leg of a three-year-old under my neck all night. Thanks for noticing.

That looks incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention ridiculous. Why don't you make Chancho sleep in his own bed?

Are you serious? How can I say no to this:

So, did Chancho get that bike for Christmas and does he enjoy riding it all over your cul de sac with his helmet on backwards and no shoes on his feet?

Yes, his aunt Sheree bought it for him, and yes, he rides around

and around the cul de sac.

What else did Santa bring your kids this year?

Barbie scooters and copious amounts of sugar. Santa can be such an idiot sometimes.

What is that thing stuck in Tess's hair?

An entire candy cane.

And what did Santa Claus bring for Tess this year?

A stroller and a doll that is "so fluffy [she's] gonna die!"

Of all of the presents your family received this year, which one is your favorite, not that you should have a favorite?

Hands down, my favorite gift(s) were the pictures that my parents had taken of my children. They borrowed my children one afternoon in November for a "play date," drove out to a creepy abandoned house in the desert, and had a photographer take pictures of them. It's a good thing my parents are not psychopaths, that scenario could have ended much differently.

Can you update us on the situation with your yellow cleaning gloves?

The warts are getting worse. I'd really like to get to the bottom of this, but I haven't gotten any further than taking pictures of them and thinking about them while I'm falling asleep.

Overall, what is the most disturbing thing you saw DJ eat this holiday season?

Canned oysters, which were a white elephant gift that he received. (How do you buy a funny white elephant gift for a man who is disgusted by nothing? The only thing I can think of that would gross him out is if I were to wrap up another man in a box and have him jump out and kiss DJ square on the lips.)

Why did DJ take part in Parowan High School's production of Grease his senior year?

He needed an art credit to graduate. Why do you ask?

Because it is so funny to me that DJ was in a high school musical wherein he had to dance around in cuffed jeans and a tight, white t-shirt. He even had a line: "Nice car!"

But Grease doesn't have anything to do with Christmas.

Neither do yellow cleaning gloves or chess. Last question. How many times did you end up hearing Drummer Boy this year?

Thirteen. I'm guessing they had a lot of complaints last year.

It's a miracle.

Yes, it is.


Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

Remember when DJ got food poisoning from the freeze dried salmon? Has he not learned his lesson regarding gross food in questionable packaging?

Also, I'm sending you my non-warty cleaning gloves, as I never use them...which is obvious by the state of my house...

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

Oh, and those oysters could have been in nature's packaging and they STILL would have been questionable. Little loogies in shells. Blurgh.

Jenn said...

I had a photographer take a picture of me the door way of that creepy abandoned house too! What is with creepy abandonded things and photographers!

The Paxton Family said...

i am newly in LOVE with your blog! i could not stop laughing! you are SO hired to write my travel blog!
LOVE the picture of Chancho (sp? really?) riding his bike!

p.s. your yellow cleaning gloves gross me the heck out! please stop questioning them and buy some new ones, short of that, just throw them away and "I" will get you some new ones! YUCK!