Interview with an Elise

We caught up with Elise in her suburban St. George home on Wednesday night over a plate of nearly-burned wheat bread while her kids messed up her house. She was as classy, witty, and smelled as lovely as ever. In fact, there are many adjectives that end in "y" that would adequately describe her. Here's what she had to say:

Elise, your fans are dying to know how you spent your Christmas holiday. Was it as wondrous and sugar plummy as we have imagined?

Indeed.



Would you care to elaborate?


I suppose I cannot disappoint my public. First, Macey got us all in the Christmas spirit by challenging everyone to a grueling chess tournament every afternoon. It was rather competitive. I overheard Chancho tell Macey after she swiped his rook, "Ha ha, Macey...I have another wook!"



I see that you're having a difficult time bending your neck or turning your head from side to side. Have you been injured in some way?


Yes. I have debilitating stiffness in my spine due to sleeping with the leg of a three-year-old under my neck all night. Thanks for noticing.


That looks incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention ridiculous. Why don't you make Chancho sleep in his own bed?


Are you serious? How can I say no to this:




So, did Chancho get that bike for Christmas and does he enjoy riding it all over your cul de sac with his helmet on backwards and no shoes on his feet?


Yes, his aunt Sheree bought it for him, and yes, he rides around

and around the cul de sac.

What else did Santa bring your kids this year?

Barbie scooters and copious amounts of sugar. Santa can be such an idiot sometimes.

What is that thing stuck in Tess's hair?

An entire candy cane.


And what did Santa Claus bring for Tess this year?


A stroller and a doll that is "so fluffy [she's] gonna die!"


Of all of the presents your family received this year, which one is your favorite, not that you should have a favorite?


Hands down, my favorite gift(s) were the pictures that my parents had taken of my children. They borrowed my children one afternoon in November for a "play date," drove out to a creepy abandoned house in the desert, and had a photographer take pictures of them. It's a good thing my parents are not psychopaths, that scenario could have ended much differently.









Can you update us on the situation with your yellow cleaning gloves?

The warts are getting worse. I'd really like to get to the bottom of this, but I haven't gotten any further than taking pictures of them and thinking about them while I'm falling asleep.


Overall, what is the most disturbing thing you saw DJ eat this holiday season?


Canned oysters, which were a white elephant gift that he received. (How do you buy a funny white elephant gift for a man who is disgusted by nothing? The only thing I can think of that would gross him out is if I were to wrap up another man in a box and have him jump out and kiss DJ square on the lips.)


Why did DJ take part in Parowan High School's production of Grease his senior year?


He needed an art credit to graduate. Why do you ask?


Because it is so funny to me that DJ was in a high school musical wherein he had to dance around in cuffed jeans and a tight, white t-shirt. He even had a line: "Nice car!"


But Grease doesn't have anything to do with Christmas.


Neither do yellow cleaning gloves or chess. Last question. How many times did you end up hearing Drummer Boy this year?


Thirteen. I'm guessing they had a lot of complaints last year.

It's a miracle.

Yes, it is.