Sunday, October 24, 2010

Important Discoveries

I turned thirty on Friday. Last year I shared Gumwads of Wisdom in honor of my birthday. This year I will share my Important Discoveries, because I'm a lot like Christopher Columbus in that I make Important Discoveries and people celebrate me once a year.

Here they are, my Important Discoveries:

1. Illegal fireworks make an excellent substitute if you forget to buy birthday candles. Anyone catch the illegal firework action around 7:30 on Friday night? Happy birthday to me.

2. Skinny jeans aren't so bad. Yes, I once felt as you do: skinny jeans make the wearer look like a Seuss character and there is no possible way that they are comfortable. Skinny jeans are a silly trend like pegged pants, organic food, and Barack Obama. I tried some on during my birthday shopping, mostly as a joke, but partly because I like to torture myself.
"Ha ha," I thought to myself, "this is going to be a hoot."
I chose a pair two sizes larger than I normally wear, just to be safe. (Safety first when trying on skinny jeans, that's my motto.)
After trying them on, I made three sub-discoveries:
a) The importance of removing your shoes before putting on skinny jeans cannot be emphasized enough.
b) Skinny jeans don't flop around your ankles and get wet in puddles, two attributes of normal pants that I can't stand.
c) Skinny jeans are super comfortable (if you wear them two sizes too large).

3. Nutella. On toast. On bagels. On tortillas. On a butterknife. On your finger. In a box. With a fox. On a train. In the rain. When I die I want to be buried with a tub of Nutella.

4. I'd rather spend the $6 that it costs to eat at Panda Express than spend an hour deep frying chicken chunks, coating them in sauce, and making fried rice from scratch. Another lesson learned the hard way.

5. An easy way to become fluent in conversational Japanese is to watch the entire first season of Heroes in one week.

6. I guess I'm going through an Asian phase, because I also read a book called Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet and really enjoyed it. It's about a little Chinese American boy who falls in love with a little Japanese American girl and then she gets sent to an internment camp because it was World War II and in times of war the Constitution can be thrown out the window. Wait...what?!

7. According to my calculations, I go through an Asian phase once every ten years.

8. Thirty is over the hill. At least, according to the bouquet of black balloons my loving mother brought to me it is.

8. Being thirty isn't that different from being twenty-nine, except that you feel really old and you start to see crow's feet and your kids start shopping around for rest homes, despite the fact that you are obviously wearing skinny jeans and there is no possible way that you are in your thirties.

Well, that's it. Those are my discoveries. Maybe I'll think up some more tomorrow.

I love you guys! Thanks for thirty awesome years!


Inspired Kathy said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

Tawny said...

OK First...
You totally don't look 30, but Happy Birthday!!
Skinny Jeans!! Are you kidding me!!! How many kids have you had again!!!
Can I be you when I am 30?
Nutella Yummmmmmmm.
And finally....
I will be calling to get your new address so we can trick or treat to your house!!

Marie Says Yes said...

Elise! HaPPY bIRTHDAY!!!! I am so glad you were born!!! I love birthdays!!!! And thirty isn't so bad... right? Not so bad! Happy, happy day!!!! I wish I would have known, I would have sent b-day wishes your way. Oh well, here they are belated, but just as golden.

Thanks for being born.
And sharing your great wisdom with us.

Jenn said...

Happy Freak'n Birthday!!! I am sorry that I missed it! I will have to sing you a belated happy birthday song, we are all about singing at our house.

Hear, hear to the love of Nutella!

Did you buy the skinny jeans? I hope so, I have always wanted to, but have never been brave enough, skinny enough or had enough money!

Once again happy smurfday!!!!!

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

Somehow, you being thirty makes me feel even older. Apparently, as long as most of my siblings are under 30, so am I. Even though I haven't been for years. Anyhoo, thanks a lot for tipping the scale the other way. A LOT.

I wish I had been there to share your cake.

And...skinny jeans? ALL my pants fit like skinny jeans lately because of my eating habits...d'oh!

Anne said...

1. I mixed some green in the balloons!
2. You looked great in your skinnyjeans!
3. You don't look 30 - you are and will
always be gorgeous. I never looked as
good as you. Dang.
4. You throw great parties. The illegal
Fireworks was the highlight...
5. 30 is a great year- enjoy it.
6. Because...
7. Before you know it...
8. 55 will smack you right in the face.
9. Literally.
10. And I'm not talking about the speed
limit either.
There. You have 10 reasons to be glad
you're only 30. And I mean- ONLY!