The Perfect Mother

Okay, so he's not eating ham in the bathtub but check this out. This is Chancho giving himself a bath in the kid's bathroom sink. Notice how he had the sense to remove his pants but not his socks, hoodie, or diaper. He's a thinker, this one! If I recall correctly I was cooking Sunday dinner when this happened, which leads me to this inescapable conclusion: the only sure way to keep my kids out of serious danger would be to follow them around the house every waking hour, like that maid on the Jetsons. This has got me thinking. What combination of traits would constitute the PERFECT mother? Here's my list. Feel free to add your own.

1. Unfailing attentiveness, like the Jetsons maid, only without the barrel-shaped head. It would be nice to have wheels for feet, though. Imagine grocery shopping on those babies!

2. Emeril's cooking skills.

3. Chris Hanson's ability to sniff out sexual predators.

4. You'd need all of Martha Stewart's craftiness, for sure.

5. Energy and endurance of Ultramarathon man Dean Karnazes.

6. Thomas S. Monson's spiritual insight.

7. Must haves: Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth and bullet-deflecting bracelets. As a sidenote, I wish my legs looked like that. And those boots ROCK.

8. Obviously you'd have to be ASE certified.

9. Crazy kung fu fighting skills. Like a beardless Chuck Norris.

10. Amelia Earhart's bravery, but maybe a better sense of direction.

11. The ability the hear people's thoughts like Edward Cullen.

12. Since we're talking Twilight... Stephenie Meyer's ability to write best-selling novels while staying at home with her children, thus making millions of dollars to help support her family.

It's definitely not a comprehensive list, but I think you get the idea. The perfect mother would have smoldering liquid amber eyes, wheels for feet, and a pilot's license. That about sums it up. That's how I feel, some days, for sure.