Now Playing: Escape From the Chateau D'If

My son is Houdini. Last week he figured out how to climb out of his crib, effectively putting an end to the only peaceful hour that I had during the day (naptime). I've been putting him to sleep in the portable crib because the sides are much higher, thus preventing an easy escape...or so I thought... bwah ha ha! This afternoon he came strolling out of my room a few minutes after I had laid him down for his nap with a smirk on his little white face. "How did I escape?" he asked, "...with difficulty. How did I plan this moment? ...very carefully..." (Has anyone else seen the Count of Monte Cristo a gillion times?) That's when I decided to set up the camera. This was like the tenth time I made him perform this stunt for the camera so you might notice that my "go to sleep!" sounds a little weak. Also notice how he attacks the sides of the crib looking for points of weakness like one of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park. Grab some popcorn and some Jujubees and enjoy!

The Circle of Life

I should be cleaning my house right now but instead I've decided to bring a little joy into your lives by sharing these humiliating pictures of my children. Because people love it when other people humiliate themselves! I would attach an embarrassing picture of myself but my parents have all of them. Now I'm the mom of my family and I've assumed that responsiblity for my children. It's the circle of life. On with the humiliation.

Exhibit A: Here we have Olivia on the couch in a coma, her Super Girl costume up around her armpits, displaying her Elmo underpants in all of their glory. Don't you miss that part of being a kid--sleeping wherever and whenever you dang well feel like it? I do. I also miss the days when my main responsibility was not getting into trouble.

Exhibit B: Here is baby DJ in his swimming cap, which he found amongst our swimming stuff the other day. He made me put it on him and then refused to take it off for the rest of the day. [Insert your Orange Supremacy joke here.] It's probably not appropriate to make Orange Supremacy jokes, especially on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, but only one other thing comes to mind and I'm attempting to keep this blog family-friendly. So get your mind out of the gutter, sicko.

P.S. If you're truly desperate for a humiliating Elise picture, just scroll down a bit until you see a picture of me in full hunting gear, posing with a big dead elk head. I still can't believe I put that on here.

The Perfect Mother

Okay, so he's not eating ham in the bathtub but check this out. This is Chancho giving himself a bath in the kid's bathroom sink. Notice how he had the sense to remove his pants but not his socks, hoodie, or diaper. He's a thinker, this one! If I recall correctly I was cooking Sunday dinner when this happened, which leads me to this inescapable conclusion: the only sure way to keep my kids out of serious danger would be to follow them around the house every waking hour, like that maid on the Jetsons. This has got me thinking. What combination of traits would constitute the PERFECT mother? Here's my list. Feel free to add your own.

1. Unfailing attentiveness, like the Jetsons maid, only without the barrel-shaped head. It would be nice to have wheels for feet, though. Imagine grocery shopping on those babies!

2. Emeril's cooking skills.

3. Chris Hanson's ability to sniff out sexual predators.

4. You'd need all of Martha Stewart's craftiness, for sure.

5. Energy and endurance of Ultramarathon man Dean Karnazes.

6. Thomas S. Monson's spiritual insight.

7. Must haves: Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth and bullet-deflecting bracelets. As a sidenote, I wish my legs looked like that. And those boots ROCK.

8. Obviously you'd have to be ASE certified.

9. Crazy kung fu fighting skills. Like a beardless Chuck Norris.

10. Amelia Earhart's bravery, but maybe a better sense of direction.

11. The ability the hear people's thoughts like Edward Cullen.

12. Since we're talking Twilight... Stephenie Meyer's ability to write best-selling novels while staying at home with her children, thus making millions of dollars to help support her family.

It's definitely not a comprehensive list, but I think you get the idea. The perfect mother would have smoldering liquid amber eyes, wheels for feet, and a pilot's license. That about sums it up. That's how I feel, some days, for sure.