Don't Pick Your Nose

Holy MACKEREL. Macey is in school. I found myself panicking as I was getting her ready for school, giving her little tips (like I haven't had the last five years to prepare her for this day). I'll bet you're wondering what my tips are, aren't you? You're in luck because here they are. Elise's Back-to-School Tips.

1. Do what your teacher says. She is really smart.

2. Sometimes people say mean things. Don't worry about what mean people say. Mean people are dumb.

3. Please PLEASE don't pick your nose and eat it.

4. If you see someone playing all alone, ask them if you can play with them. If they don't want you to play with them then they are dumb (see Tip #2).

5. DON'T CLIMB UP THE SLIDE.

6. For heaven's sake, don't pick your nose and eat it.

Yeah. I think Macey is ready for the world. The real question is, is the world ready for Macey? Bwah ha ha!

P.S. For those of you who were worrying about my neighbors dog-- DJ confessed to my neighbor at church. The dog did not die of elk poisoning. However, in a strange twist the neighbor has found no traces of the saran wrap or freezer paper that the elk was still wrapped in when DJ threw it over the fence. All together now: "DJ! You didn't even take the paper off?!"

Lucky Neighbor Dog -OR- Let's Hope the Neighbors Don't Find Out Who Did It

11:07 PM
DJ and Elise crawl into bed, exhausted after a long day of shenanigans.

11:08 PM
Neighbor Dog: "BARK! bark bark bark!" Translation: "LET ME IN! Let me in, let me in, let me in!"

DJ: "I can't stand our neighbor's dog. Was it Axel or Roscoe that used to bark like this? Our neighbors must have hated us."

Elise: "I don't....remem....zzzzzzzzz......."

Dog: "BARK! bark bark bark!" Translation: (singing) "WE BUILT THIS CITY...we be built this city on rock and roll...."

11:09 PM
This is where things get fuzzy for me (I was asleep, after all).

Dog: "BARK BARK! bark bark bark....bark!" Translation: "PLEASE! Please! I promise I won't go on the floor! Maybe I will..."

DJ: "I am going to shoot that dog."

Elise (roused from sleep as DJ threatens to shoot an animal): "sorry hon....zzzzzz....."

Dog: "...bark bark bark bark!" Translation: "Hey everybody, look at the moon! Is that a cat?! Wow, it's dark out here!"

11:11 PM
Elise awakens to the sound of someone rifling through the chest freezer in our garage. She wonders, "well, either DJ shot the the neighber dog and he's freezing it for later [in unison now, dog-lovers: "Aaaaaah!"] or he got really hungry (those of you who know us know that he'd have to be starving to eat something out of our chest freezer. It's 95% full of dead elk meat)."

Elise drifts off to sleep again but can vaguely recall hearing the front door unlock.

Dog: "BARK! BARK! Bark?! bark bark bark!" Translation: "LET ME IN! LET ME IN! Hey, what's this?! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!"

11:13 PM
DJ crawls back into bed mumbling: "I hope that dog wasn't a vegetarian..."

This startles Elise from a dream involving Oreo cookies and Edward Cullen (so it MUST have been serious...): "What did you do???"

DJ: "I threw a piece of elk over the fence."

Dog: "Nomm, nommm, nommmm....."

6:42 AM
Dog: "HORNK!"

DJ and Elise: "...zzzzzzzzz................."

Pink heels and...what the?!

I was thinking about how life hasn't been providing much to laugh about these days...and then Macey produced this little masterpiece. Clearly, it's a self portrait. At first glance I thought, "green cube skirt, excellent. Pink heels-- not my first choice with the skirt, but still cute." And then my eyes drifted northward. To the anatomically correct bosom. [This is where DJ observed--he is especially observant of this region, generally speaking--that Self Portrait Macey might be ready for some supportive undergarments.] Macey starts kindergarten this week (AAAK!) and I don't think I like the idea of her seeing herself as well-endowed, or in this case, endowed (if you catch my drift) as she begins her journey out in society. Yikes. But, as is usually the case in life, it could be worse:

My son could be Picasso.

I don't mind admitting it, I don't get Picasso. I don't think Picasso got Picasso. Obviously. But I do think that Macey sees herself pretty clearly-- look at that big smile.

Before and After and Some ENORMOUS Cheeks

Finally! Two nights without the majority of our children--the loud and demanding ones, anyway--and what do we do? We watch cable in our hotel room. Cable. Free cable. Guilt free, "all of my half-finished projects are miles away" cable. It was fabulous.
Thursday morning, after raiding the continental breakfast bar and stuffing out pockets with as many free pastries and condiments as they would hold (note to self-- next time I stay at a hotel bring GIANT overalls), we drove to the hospital. The pastries did not taste as delicious as they normally would because I had that slightly nauseating "my newborn is going under general anesthesia" feeling. Blech. (Primary Children's really ought to provide those little white bags for ralphing like you get on an airplane.)
Here's me with Tess before the surgery, in one of the twenty or so waiting rooms that we had to wait in. You probably can't tell from the picture-- on the outside I'm smiling. On the inside I'm totally tossing my cookies and screaming like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld where she gets trapped in the subway (...maybe too much guilt-free cable...)

After the surgery, Tess's face was twice its original size and she was wearing this creepy medical contraption called a Logan's bow that is supposed to keep her lip from pulling apart. She was also wearing unkind-looking arm restraints. Never in my life have I worked so hard to fight back the tears. Unfortunately, Tess has to wear the Logan's bow and the arm restraints for a month. Fortunately, Tess is totally healthy and came home with us after only one night in the hospital. We are such lucky parents.
Now for the cheeks. This is my new niece, Jaelyn. This picture was taken with my little sister's cell phone and this photo has not been altered in any way. Those babies are the real thing.

The Magical Fruit

I had a moment of introspection today and I discovered two things about myself:


1. I don't like it when my house smells like bacon.
2. I suck at making refried beans.


Moving on (because I don't want to talk about the beans).



















DJ blessed Tess in Sacrament meeting yesterday. It was beautiful. I love little Tess. We hosted a family potluck following the blessing and I let Macey run amok with my camera. This is what I got:


Geez louise, I am a nerd...
















...but DJ is a bigger nerd.












"Ready Grandpa? One...two...[click]"




My communist bro-in-law, Manny, and my new niece, Jaelyn. Vive Pinochet!

...and I think I may finally be coming to terms with my mutant toes. Maybe not.

Frozen Burritos and Plastic Surgery

Hi, my name is Elise and I am a comfort eater. What? This isn't Comfort Eaters Anonymous? This is my family blog? Then I probably shouldn't tell you about how I singlehandedly polished off a ten count package of Lynn Wilson's frozen burritos this week. And most of a bag of Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys. [Little sidenote: regular Marshmallow Mateys=pretty good, Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys=Holy MOLY I've died and gone to Comfort Eaters Anonymous heaven.]


You may be thinking, "what does that adorable picture of Tess have to do with Elise's overeating?" Answer: nothing! I went to get pictures of Tess taken today because...drumroll, please... we finally scheduled her lip surgery (and I wanted to have a good picture of her before she looks all different)! Her surgery is scheduled for the 30th so we'll be headed up to Primary Children's at the end of next week. (I don't know, does two months old seem a little young for plastic surgery? Maybe that's how the comfort eating ties in...)


P.S. You know what's better than getting really cute professional pictures taken? Getting really cute professional pictures taken FOR FREE! Hee! Thanks again, Carrie! The next time I find a coupon for something truly awesome I will give it to you. Or I'll secretly keep it and you'll be none the wiser.

No German Shepherds?!

All right, ladies, time to brush up on your giant inflatable bouncy castle safety rules. Here goes:


No scissors. Check. That one's a no-brainer.


No googly eyes. Check. (Welp, Tess, I have some bad news...)


No wearing a dress that poofs way out from your body and makes you look pregnant. Check. (Or is that "No being pregnant"? Or maybe it's "No being one of those little peg people from the Game of Life")


No being from Switzerland.


No wearing a watch.


No bouncing with giants. Or little people. Are you sensing some discrimination? I am. First the Swiss, now the giants. Imagine how you'd feel if you were a Swiss giant.


No flying through the air and landing on your head without bending your legs or arms. I say, if this is a feat that you are capable of, more power to you.


No German Shepherds?? Wha??? Who ARE these people??!!


No cheeseburgers and a drink. Easy peasy. I should be able to abstain for at least an hour.


No loafers. Finally, something we can agree on. (Imagine if you were a Swiss giant wearing loafers...)

Now that that's all cleared up, here are some cute pictures of my kids and their cousins hanging out at Jumpin Jacks today. My sister Lisa is The Fun Aunt. She's visiting us this week from Ohio. She organized this trip, paid for everyone, and then played with the kids the whole time. Fun Aunt Lisa, you need to move home!

The World According to Fez

My Chilean brother-in-law, Manny, as interpreted by my five-year-old daughter, Macey. Pretty accurate, I'd say. He is brown, after all.

My sister Carrie, Manny's wife. I secretly wonder if Macey started out drawing Spongebob Squarepants and then it just kind of morphed into Carrie. I love how my kids see the world. The other day Macey asked me if I could start teaching her how to be a grown up. I was so thrilled. I had visions of her cooking dinner, folding laundry, and killing spiders for me. When I asked her what a grown up does she said, "Mmm...they take showers, they boss people, they stay up watching the TV, and they eat treats." What an eye-opener. Is that how my kids see me? Is that all I do? Oh well.
At least I'm not all streaky brown with a crazy nose like Manny.

My Life: The Tower of Terror

Tonight I was rifling through old e-mails looking for pictures and I came across this little gem. When I found it I literally laughed out loud at the irony. This was taken about a year ago on the Tower of Terror ride at California Adventure. Have you ever ridden this ride? It's fun! They shoot you up and down really fast in a broken elevator and you can't see what's going on and you laugh riotously and then you want to barf. [Walt would ROLL OVER in his grave. Or in his cryogenic tank.] See how I'm smiling like a doofus? Yeah... I think I can say with confidence that I am no longer handling life's ups and downs with that amount of alacrity (I've been waiting my whole LIFE to use that word in a sentence!). I think my brother-in-law, Manny, has captured the essence of how I've been feeling these past few months. He's the guy in the blue and white striped shirt, clinging to my sister's arm like a little girl (sorry Manny, it's true). Yeah. I feel more like that. Just closing my eyes, hanging on for dear life, dying for the ride to just stop already.

I think I'm struggling with adulthood.

Uh Kish!

So, how's everyone's summer vacation going? As you can see, the Haynes family summer has proceeded as follows: wake up, feed Tess, feed other children, clean up food mess, feed Tess, change eight hundred diapers, repeat. I haven't seen the sun in days.

On the bright side, Little DJ has finally warmed up to baby Tess. About ninety times a day he whines, "uh kish!" at me. This means that he wants to give Tess a kiss. [Another ninety times a day he yells, "UH JEWSH!" and then throws his empty sippy cup at me. Translation: "Mother, you are beautiful, intelligent, and I love and respect you. I appreciate that you have forgone a career outside of the home in order to care for me. Would you please fill my sippy cup with juice?"]