Things That Elise Loves

I love making lists. I realized a little while back that I need to remind myself of all of the things that I love in life because lately it seems so easy to focus on the things that I don't love (checking the mail, for starters). I think it goes without saying that I love the gospel and all that that implies, so I'm going to give a little disclaimer and say that this list is just for fun. Don't expect anything too serious here. Also, as a reminder to those who haven't seen me in the last seven months, I am pregnant and consequently half of this list is food-related. Let's do it!

Things that I love:

1. My load-bearing husband. He works twelve hours a day and when he finally takes a Saturday off to go fishing with us he carries a kid, two camping chairs, and a fishing pole up the thirty steps to our car without complaining.

2. My weirdo kids. Why do I feel that this picture requires an explanation? I was cleaning up breakfast (that's why Chancho is wearing nothing but a diaper--I had just thrown his oatmeal-covered pajamas in the wash) and I heard Macey (who is shown here modeling her favorite dress. If I don't pick an outfit for her, she wears this. It's her default dress. The red tights are essential.) telling DJ to hold still. I turned around to see Macey fastening my dishtowel to Chancho's head with a headband. "He's Nephi!" she told me proudly. I don't know whether Nephi would've worn pink Crocs. DJ sure likes them, though.

3. Marshmallow Mateys. I know that I've said it before but I can't say it enough. 95% sugar. 100% heavenly.

4. The name Jane. If I can overcome my phobia of being a tacky name stealer then in seven weeks our new little girl will be called Jane. I don't care if it rhymes with our last name.

5. Really good fresh fruit. Especially strawberries and seedless watermelon. I cannot wait for the watermelon. Ooo... and grapefruit. Really juicy grapefruit.

6. Banana whole wheat waffles with vanilla yogurt on top.

7. Tums.

8. President Uchtdorf. I love all of the general authorities but I really think President Uchtdorf is cool. And not just because of his accent. I also like his hair. ;)

9. Really warm, sunny days.

10. Dipping graham crackers in milk.

11. When they play my favorite songs on the radio. I think I'll rip my radio out of my dashboard with my bare hands if I hear "I'm Yours" one more time, though.

12. DJ's grandparents, Mendal and Marilyn Haynes. They are the two coolest old people you'll ever meet.

13. Pathetic-looking, dumb dogs (as long as they aren't mine and as long as they're not going #2 on my lawn).

14. Pink toenail polish.

15. Poorly written LDS romance novels. There, I said it. Please don't judge me.

16. Finding great deals at yard sales. Who doesn't love that? I like what DJ's cool Grandpa Mendal says about yard sales: "Stuff you don't need at a price you can afford".

17. When my refrigerator leaks all over the kitchen floor. No wait, I hate that. Crap. Wrong list.

18. When I have the self-discipline to go to bed on time. This rarely happens but I love how refreshed I feel the morning after.

19. Coming up with a really butt-kicking word in Scrabble. And then putting it on a triple word score space. And then winning Carrie. One day this will happen. One day...

20. Sewing stuff. Who would've thought?

Bocce Ball!

DJ and I loaded up the kids today and went to a Primerica barbeque at the park. Most people spell fun F-U-N. DJ's new boss Jason spells fun B-O-C-C-E. What started out as a friendly get-together quickly turned into an ugly, sweaty, bocce ball tournament. DJ and my cousin Bodie were a team and I'm pretty sure that they dominated. I don't know how they could have avoided that. I mean, all you're doing is throwing a little heavy ball away from you, right? Anyway, they KILLED, baby!









And then there was the Easter egg hunt. And the Haynes' DOMINATE again! Olivia, who usually has all of the competitive spirit of a wilted head of lettuce, really delivered for us today. I'm so proud of her!

Just sitting there fishing...

Whew! Time flies when you're... when you're... hmm. What have we been doing? I cannot believe that it's already April. The last three months are a total blur. I know that we went fishing at one point. I'm pretty sure that it was last Saturday. Clearly it was a memorable trip. It was sunny and the kids were mostly cooperative. And at one point there was this random runaway dog that ran through our fishing area and SNARFED our kids pizza. Right out of their little hands. We were just sitting there fishing (what else do you do when you fish? You SIT THERE) and this really cute (though he may have been possessed by a legion of evil spirits) black dog comes running through our spot and snags Olivia's half-eaten pizza slice out of her hands and swallows it whole. We were able to laugh it off and forget about it. And then there we were, two hours later, just sitting there fishing when the crazy pizza dog comes trotting past again, this time gobbling up Chancho's half-eaten slice on his way. Baby DJ did not handle it with as much forbearance as Olivia. It was quite the scene. You have to understand--at this point in the fishing trip, the rest of the pizza was long gone. DJ had hidden this piece under the empty pizza box and pulled it out later (he didn't know how long we were going to be out there. He was planning ahead. Provident living. You know.). Anyway, DJ eventually got over it. It was a fun-filled day. And Macey was sideways the whole day. I don't know why. Or maybe I just forgot to flip her picture before I uploaded it.

Throw out your dead!

We're ALIVE! Man, what a crazy month, er... year. I don't have anything to write about really I just felt like saying that we're here. Not dead yet! What have the Haynes' been up to lately, you ask? DJ is working for Primerica these days. Yeah, I know. Also, we've decided to join the Jehovah's Witnesses. Just kidding, although it's almost as shocking as the Primerica thing. I've been eating oven pancakes like it's going out of style lately. I love oven pancakes! Those, and Marshmallow Mateys. Who doesn't love a brimming bowl of pirate-themed marshmallow cereal? (Why can't I stop thinking about food?! I'm terrified for when this baby gets here and I still have this voracious, disgusting appetite but without the excuse of pregnancy.) So that's all-- Primerica and Marshmallow Mateys. The exciting times of DJ and Elise Haynes.

Finally! An excuse to post a picture of David Bowie! (psht! as if I needed one)

A new blog layout! Is anyone else feeling seasick???? Is it just me??? This is a little disorienting. It's like that time last week when I did my hair. You know, styled it. I was substituting for our ward's primary chorister. All three of my kids were sick and staying home with DJ so I thought I'd make the best of all of my extra getting-ready-for-church time by doing something with my hair besides the usual ponytail. It was a monumental day. So I went to church with my hair all in my face, feeling dizzy and confused. "What is that stuff blocking my peripheral vision?!" I thought, "is that my hair?!" About halfway through Sacrament meeting I had another thought (unrelated to my hair), "is it just me, or is Sacrament meeting feeling unusually long for everyone else?" I had no children to entertain. There were no princess fashion sticker books to occupy me. No Cheerios. No trips to the bathroom (well, one close call). It was just me, my scriptures, and my hymnal. And that is when I discovered that my attention span is not what it once was. My children are shrinking my brain!

So, with my disorientation and shrinking brain in mind, it's time for my next story. I cleaned out my refrigerator today (yes, another monumental day). And I lived to tell the tale! It was terrifying. It was scarier than David Bowie singing to that baby in Labyrinth. There was one container, the contents of which I couldn't identify but now that I think about it, it looked just like one of the muppets from Labrynth. On the positive side of things, I figured out what the heck happened to all of my tupperware. And Olivia's missing Croc.

And now for my last story! I had my ultrasound yesterday and found out that we're having a girl! I was all excited, thinking that I'd be able to have some fun ultrasound pictures to post so that people could wonder what they were supposed to be, but it turns out that this little girl is a tad camera shy. Either that our she is unusually proud of her umbilical cord--it was in front of her face the entire time. I don't care though. I was just happy to see that she is healthy and has two arms and two legs and four chambers in her heart. And I was really really happy when they finally let me go to the bathroom. ;)

Now Playing: Escape From the Chateau D'If

My son is Houdini. Last week he figured out how to climb out of his crib, effectively putting an end to the only peaceful hour that I had during the day (naptime). I've been putting him to sleep in the portable crib because the sides are much higher, thus preventing an easy escape...or so I thought... bwah ha ha! This afternoon he came strolling out of my room a few minutes after I had laid him down for his nap with a smirk on his little white face. "How did I escape?" he asked, "...with difficulty. How did I plan this moment? ...very carefully..." (Has anyone else seen the Count of Monte Cristo a gillion times?) That's when I decided to set up the camera. This was like the tenth time I made him perform this stunt for the camera so you might notice that my "go to sleep!" sounds a little weak. Also notice how he attacks the sides of the crib looking for points of weakness like one of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park. Grab some popcorn and some Jujubees and enjoy!

The Circle of Life

I should be cleaning my house right now but instead I've decided to bring a little joy into your lives by sharing these humiliating pictures of my children. Because people love it when other people humiliate themselves! I would attach an embarrassing picture of myself but my parents have all of them. Now I'm the mom of my family and I've assumed that responsiblity for my children. It's the circle of life. On with the humiliation.

Exhibit A: Here we have Olivia on the couch in a coma, her Super Girl costume up around her armpits, displaying her Elmo underpants in all of their glory. Don't you miss that part of being a kid--sleeping wherever and whenever you dang well feel like it? I do. I also miss the days when my main responsibility was not getting into trouble.

Exhibit B: Here is baby DJ in his swimming cap, which he found amongst our swimming stuff the other day. He made me put it on him and then refused to take it off for the rest of the day. [Insert your Orange Supremacy joke here.] It's probably not appropriate to make Orange Supremacy jokes, especially on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, but only one other thing comes to mind and I'm attempting to keep this blog family-friendly. So get your mind out of the gutter, sicko.

P.S. If you're truly desperate for a humiliating Elise picture, just scroll down a bit until you see a picture of me in full hunting gear, posing with a big dead elk head. I still can't believe I put that on here.

The Perfect Mother

Okay, so he's not eating ham in the bathtub but check this out. This is Chancho giving himself a bath in the kid's bathroom sink. Notice how he had the sense to remove his pants but not his socks, hoodie, or diaper. He's a thinker, this one! If I recall correctly I was cooking Sunday dinner when this happened, which leads me to this inescapable conclusion: the only sure way to keep my kids out of serious danger would be to follow them around the house every waking hour, like that maid on the Jetsons. This has got me thinking. What combination of traits would constitute the PERFECT mother? Here's my list. Feel free to add your own.

1. Unfailing attentiveness, like the Jetsons maid, only without the barrel-shaped head. It would be nice to have wheels for feet, though. Imagine grocery shopping on those babies!

2. Emeril's cooking skills.

3. Chris Hanson's ability to sniff out sexual predators.

4. You'd need all of Martha Stewart's craftiness, for sure.

5. Energy and endurance of Ultramarathon man Dean Karnazes.

6. Thomas S. Monson's spiritual insight.

7. Must haves: Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth and bullet-deflecting bracelets. As a sidenote, I wish my legs looked like that. And those boots ROCK.

8. Obviously you'd have to be ASE certified.

9. Crazy kung fu fighting skills. Like a beardless Chuck Norris.

10. Amelia Earhart's bravery, but maybe a better sense of direction.

11. The ability the hear people's thoughts like Edward Cullen.

12. Since we're talking Twilight... Stephenie Meyer's ability to write best-selling novels while staying at home with her children, thus making millions of dollars to help support her family.

It's definitely not a comprehensive list, but I think you get the idea. The perfect mother would have smoldering liquid amber eyes, wheels for feet, and a pilot's license. That about sums it up. That's how I feel, some days, for sure.

Why TV is Bad and Some Other Stuff, by Elise Haynes

First, the Other Stuff:
Here is a picture of us in the snow. It snowed in St. George. I am not a fan of the snow. I would like to gift wrap all of the snow that we have received in the last two weeks and mail it to president-elect Obama. And that's all I have to say about that.

Here is a sample of the dialog from our family dinner about a week before Christmas:
DJ: "What did you girls do today?"
Olivia: "We went Christmas shopping at the Bambi store (Sportsman's Warehouse)and bought a puzzle for you."
Me: "We didn't buy you a puzzle. Seriously, we didn't buy a puzzle for you."
Macey (whispering loudly to me): "Yes we did, Mom!" Merry Christmas, DJ.

Now, Why TV is Bad:

I feel like I always confess to my blog. Today is no exception. In the above photograph you see my three children and my niece, Annie Bananie, in their bathing suits in my bathtub eating ham straight from the package and laughing about it. Naughtiness. So here's the confession: my brother-in-law loaned us the first four seasons of the tv show "24" and one thing led to another...yada yada yada... I found the kids in the bathtub with the ham. I blame television for my bad parenting. With the exception of this one year period in which I was addicted to The Office, I am not a huge TV watcher. We don't have cable. But I cannot stop watching stupid 24. So there you have it, everyone, I am not as perfect as you suspected.

We are rednecks, as it turns out. Huh.

Just to prove that we're still alive I am writing this brief post and I'm even going to attach a picture as evidence that we haven't headed for the hills or anything. That was one gigantic run-on sentence, huh? Well, it's late. I just spent the last hour and a half folding laundry that has been clean for at least five days. I made venison for dinner. And when I was at the fabric store with my three children today (the definition of insanity) they tipped an entire shopping cart over sideways onto themselves. Things have been a little wacky over here. And here are the pictures to prove it. (This is me browsing through pictures to post.) Holy crap. We did head for the hills. We ate DEER for dinner. And I can't even explain that picture of me with the elk head, I just thought I should get that out in the open before DJ tries to use it to blackmail me. Speaking of blackmail, I'm pretty sure that our Christmas tree is a Blue Spruce. Our state tree. Thank goodness we cut it down in "Arizona", right? If the Christmas tree police come knocking on our door, I'm going to know who sent them because I think only three people read this blog. So don't even think about it. Welp, until next time...